Becca Evans is a lifestyle and entertainment writer based in Los Angeles. With a background in communications, film, copywriting and editorial writing, Becca loves telling stories about everything from sports and personality tests to local history and travel.
Humans have always found value in flowers, but in the Victorian era they became especially significant as a way to communicate. Each flower in a bouquet had a meaning in Victorian flower language, some of them incredibly intricate; “love at first sight,” “beautiful eyes,” and even “disappointment” were all sentiments you could share using the right blooms.
We can still use this beautiful style of symbology to make our own meaning out of flower arrangements, whether they’re for others or even just for ourselves. For a full list of flowers and their meanings, you can read an archived copy of Kate Greenaway’s 1884 book Language of Flowershere, but here are a few of our favorite ideas for incorporating this beautiful language into your arrangements.
For Romantic Partners
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You probably know that red roses are a typical expression for romantic love, but there are so many other flowers that can convey how much you care about someone. In Victorian flower language, sending someone a bundle of bright red tulips is a bold declaration of true love.
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The hibiscus means “beauty always new,” making it the perfect sentiment to show your partner how they look in your eyes. Giving someone this gorgeous tropical flower tells them that they take your breath away every time you see them.
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Verbana, also called vervain, means enchantment. These delicate purple flowers are the perfect way to show your loved one how much you’re captivated by them.
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A bouquet of dwarf sunflowers isn’t just a gorgeous burst of color to brighten your loved one’s day; the Victorian meaning of this flower is adoration. A gift of sunflowers tells the recipient that they brighten your life as much as the sun does.
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Finally, it might not be hard to parse that the forget-me-not has a romantic message. This beautiful blue flower is a symbol for true love and gifting them to a special someone is a message that they’re always on your mind.
For Friends
Flowers don’t just have to be for romantic partners! A parcel of fragrant blooms can be the perfect way to show a friend that you’re thinking of them, or lift their spirits after a difficult day.
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The ultimate symbol of friendship, a bunch of oak leaf geranium bloom literally means “true friendship” according to Victorian flower language. It’s the perfect plant to share with someone to remind them how happy you are that they’re in your life.
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The Victorians say that incorporating some fresh sprigs of peppermint translates to “warmth of feeling,” so be sure to include them the next time you’re sending something to a close friend for an extra sense of familiarity and well wishes!
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The bright and beautiful bluebell flower means constancy. When you send it to a friend, it indicates that you’re always going to be there for them no matter what— a great message to receive anytime.
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Fragrant jasmine blooms were used by the Victorians to mean “I am too happy.” They’ll serve you well if you want to send a bouquet congratulating a friend on a milestone or accomplishment.
For Someone Going Through A Hard Time
All of us experience hardships in our lives; it’s an unavoidable part of being human. It can be hard to know what to say or how to help someone going through a hardship but sending a simple gift of beautiful flowers can be a great place to start. Sending some of these flowers with special meanings can help the recipient know that you’re thinking of them and that you care.
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The flowers of the peace-bringing camomile plant have a very special meaning in Victorian flower language. These pretty white blooms are meant to symbolize energy in adversity, making them a very thoughtful gift for someone who is going through a hard time and finding themselves stretched thin.
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The Victorians used poppies to indicate consolation; sending it to someone is meant to give them some comfort and remind them that they’re not alone.
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If you’re trying to find the right bouquet to send someone on a tough anniversary of loss or hardship, lilacs are a beautiful choice. They stand for memory, assuring whoever receives it that their loss or pain is not forgotten.
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A bouquet of marigolds symbolizes the simple message of grief. They make a beautiful gift with a heartfelt and meaningful message for someone experiencing a hard time.
For Your Home
Flowers don’t just have to be meant as gifts for others— they’re also the perfect outlet for creating a little self love and brightening up your own home. Unlocking the language of flowers can help you inform the kinds of plants you bring home, allowing you to channel their secret meanings anytime you look at them.
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The complex looking lupine flowers have an equally fascinating meaning: this plant is meant to symbolize imagination. If you’ve been feeling uninspired lately, lupines are the perfect flower to help you remember your creative side.
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If you’ve been feeling down, try keeping some larkspur in your house. Larkspurs mean levity, meant to brighten spirits and keep things merry and light.
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Unsurprisingly, olive branches in a bouquet mean peace. You can channel this meaning by incorporating some peaceful olive into your own flower arrangements, allowing it to remind you that peace is an important thing to seek and maintain.
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Daisies, also known to the Victorians as Ox Eye, symbolize patience. If you’ve found yourself having a short fuse lately or forgetting to pause before speaking or acting, a simple bunch of fresh daisies can help to serve as a reminder of the value of stillness and taking things slow.
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In Victorian flower language, branches of juniper symbolize protection. In a bouquet, they’ll remind you to guard your energy and joy while you’re in your space.
In addition to being thoughtful gifts and a great way to add new life to your home, a bouquet of fresh flowers can also have so much meaning under the surface. Falling back on this elegant Victorian tradition can help you infuse some deeper thoughtfulness into the flowers you give others and the ones you keep for yourself.
There’s something very meditative about cleaning a fish tank. Once every few weeks Creature, my 1.5 year old betta fish, finds herself unexpectedly scooped into the little plastic cup she came home from the local PetSmart in and swims warily back and forth watching me complete my mission. I used to have a tank in my childhood bedroom and that’s when my dad taught me the basics of maintenance; he taught me how to use a rubber hose to siphon dirty water out of a tank into the obligatory 5 gallon Home Depot bucket while preparing fresh, conditioned new water in a second bucket. Next, I take out all the accessories— the moss balls and aquarium plants (all silk because bettas have soft fins that can get torn on anything sharp or scratchy) and rinse them all off and wipe down the sides of the tank to get any algae that’s grown. A small acclimation period later and Creature finds herself back in a brighter, cleaner version of her same old world. It’s a repetitive process, with the same steps and same results every time, and something about that is soothing to me.
I got my first betta fish, Wallace, about a year after I moved to LA. I wanted a pet and betta fish are often advertised as the lowest maintenance of the low maintenance. What I didn’t expect was how much fun fish parenthood would be. Getting to pick out all the foliage, color of the gravel, find out about fun extras like real wooden logs or fake leaf hammocks just for bettas to feel happier in their homes; I was obsessed.
It was amazing to me how much of a difference this small addition to my household made to my everyday life. Having a little responsibility, a little life that was waiting for me to come home and give it love in the form of pellets and proximity, was a bastion in a year that was often difficult. I know now that my experience isn’t out of the ordinary; there are studies that show that watching a fish in a tank can lower blood pressure and improve mental wellbeing. There’s something comforting about the sight of a fish slowly circling a tank accompanied by the white noise sounds of the water filter.
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Betta fish have so much personality for beings that are roughly the same size as a novelty keychain. Every betta I’ve ever had swims up to greet me whenever I enter the room. They are also, almost uniformly, extremely dramatic. When I first introduced Wallace to a tank with a filtration system (in an attempt to be the best fish parent I could be), it created a little current in the water which was apparently a world ender for Wallace. He would intentionally swim into the path of the current and then act FURIOUS when he was blown to the side by the incoming water. Wallace’s other favorite activities included intentionally jamming himself between an aquarium plant and the wall of the tank and then getting frustrated that he had to wiggle out of it (he would do this no less than 3 times a day) and lying on the floor of the tank extremely still to make me think he had died. Oh, and sometimes if his little leaf hammock came detached from the tank wall he would watch me fix it and then knock it back down again. We had a good time. Wallace died the day after I traveled home for Christmas, creating an extremely uncomfortable situation where a subletter I had only shared about ten words with had to become a fish funeral director for a pet that wasn’t hers, but in his defense this was a very funny prank and therefore very on brand for him.
Now that I work from home and my desk is set up near her tank, my current fish Creature will often gravitate towards me, keeping an eye on me as I work. She also recently caused me to waste about ten dollars on meal worm-based food I was promised was healthier and better for her but which she hated on sight and refuses to eat. Every betta fish I’ve had is this exact mix of sweet and uppity in a way I have a hard time explaining to people who have never had one.
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Something that really endears me to betta fish is how resilient they are. I knew from my childhood experiences with fish and the many, many mournful trips to the local PetCo that followed that fish are fragile and the main thing that they do is die. I’ve gotten in the habit of making my fish earn their names, waiting a set period to make sure they don’t expire on me before I blow a name on them. I waited so long to name Creature that she got stuck with what is basically a non-name. With the occasional exception, bettas generally don’t require this kind of fuss. They have truly lived up to their low-maintenance reputation, in my experience. They ‘re unbothered by skipping meals, although overfeeding can be more dangerous. You can trust them, to a certain extent, to just keep swimming. I find that comforting.
I struggle to describe the connection I feel to bettas in a way that doesn’t make me sound like Tom Hanks’ character in Castaway drawing a smiley face on a volleyball. The truth is that bettas have this amazing ability to make you care more about them than you thought you would. When I made the choice for the “low-maintenance option” I didn’t anticipate breathlessly asking a pet store attendant what he thought I should do to cure Popeye or prevent The Ick, or that I would have an entire shelf full of water treatments and pH kits to make a bowl of water more perfectly imitate some gross lake somewhere.
If you’re looking for an investment in your mental health, bringing a fish home is a little work for so much reward. Having a beautiful, living display to watch in the evenings and getting the companionship of these weird little roommates has paid off in spades. Betta fish have taught me lessons along the way as well; lessons in resilience, and in empathy. If I could find compassion for and even relate to something as small and different from me as a little fish, I can absolutely find the same empathy for myself and others. Bettas create such a perfect glass in which we can see our own needs: compassion, intentionality, and sometimes, a meditative hour just spent cleaning a tank out.
Flowers and live plants can be the perfect gift to send someone to let them know you’re thinking of them. A gorgeous bouquet will put a smile on any recipient’s face, while a small live plant will continue to grow and serve as a living memory of your affection. Sometimes, though, the logistics of delivering flowers or a plant to a loved one get tricky, especially if you live far away from them. Locating a local florist that serves their area or checking the logistics for shipping can be a hassle. Luckily, there are so many great online destinations that can deliver flowers and other greenery wherever you need it to go so that they arrive looking vibrant and fresh. Whether you’re looking for an affordable bouquet or want to brighten someone’s day with a new houseplant, these online stores will help you send a small token of affection to someone you care about.
The Sill is one of the most prominent online destinations for live plants, with a wide selection and easy-to-navigate inventory. Whether you’re looking for a low maintenance succulent or a luxurious monstera, The Sill has options for every personality and experience level.
Proflowers.com offers beautiful bouquets for every occasion from birthdays to sympathy to “just because.” The flowers tend to arrive as buds, meaning your recipient will get to watch them bloom and have them for much longer than your average grocery store bouquet. Proflowers even has options for next day arrival, meaning you’re never too late to show someone in your life a little love.
If you’re looking to browse a lot of options, Urban Stems is a great place to start. Urban Stems delivers flowers, live plants, and even dried flower bouquets that last longer and don’t need any water. Urban Stems can also include other mini gifts in your purchase, so you can shower your loved one with care package extras like sweet treats, candles and lotions. Urban Stems also offers a few subscription plans, so if someone you care about loves to keep a fresh vase of flowers in their home, Urban Stems can deliver.
Bloom Nation helps you source local florists wherever you’re delivering your flowers to make sure you have the best options available. This means you’re sending love while also investing in local businesses at the same time!
Plants.com offers live plant gifts for every occasion, whether you want an animal-shaped planter to send as a birthday gift or a big succulent arrangement for a housewarming party. If your loved one is more of a DIY-er, Plants.com will also deliver a terrarium they can put together on their own!
If you’re looking for gorgeous, colorful options of flowers to deliver, Teleflora has you covered. They offer bouquets in almost every color palette that are perfect for any occasion— one of their more interesting offerings is a birthday cake made out of flowers!
In addition to selling all sorts of gardening and outdoors supplies, Terrain has many plants and flowers that can be delivered anywhere. From simple bunches of flowers to potted topiaries, Terrain specializes in upscale gifts that will add a little something to your loved one’s home.
Succulents are a great gift option; they’re inexpensive, don’t take up much space, are easy to care for and can be combined into bigger arrangements! Sending a little succulent can be a quick and easy way to show you care and anything from Leaf & Clay’s collection are sure to charm the recipient. For a little something extra, you can even give the gift of a succulent subscription or a mystery box.
A bit more eclectic, Modern Sprout does offer a few live plants, including an ‘artisanal chef’ collection of herbs that would make the perfect addition to your favorite chef’s windowsill. But where the store really shines is in its interesting gift selections, including grow kits, herb jars and seed poppers, perfect for out-of-the-box gift ideas for the plant lover in your life.
Delivering flowers or plants can be such a special way to remind someone you’re thinking of them even when you’re far away. Giving the gift of a little life and beauty can celebrate any occasion or help to provide a little light and comfort in darker times. Hopefully these sources will help you get the perfect arrangement to your loved one when it’s needed most.
Have you ever felt misunderstood in a relationship, or felt that you and your partner are speaking completely different languages? Do you find yourself avoiding conflict at all costs, or alternately find yourself in arguments that never seem to solve anything? Imago therapy might be able to help. Founded by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt in 1980, Imago teaches us to look at conflicts as opportunities to deepen our understanding of each other and look at our pasts to understand the impact they’re still having on our present.
We’re Always Growing
Deborah J. Fox, MSW, a licensed clinical social worker and couples counselor who is certified in Imago therapy, says that when Hendrix and Hunt created Imago, “they took a lot of the accepted psychological theory and applied it to marital relationships.” She says it emphasizes that we’re not done growing when we reach adulthood, and that serious relationships are yet another stage of development for us. “We’re still growing, we’re still changing and in a committed relationship we can really grow into our potential.” The dynamics we have with out partners can do a lot to impact this growth, for better or worse, and being mindful of this can already put us ahead.
Nobody comes into a relationship as a blank slate; we’re all bringing a life full of memories and coping mechanisms into any given relationship. This is why unpacking our past can help to build a better future with the ones we care about. “We’ve started to understand that nobody had a perfect life,” Fox says. “We’ve all had hurts, we’ve all had disappointments in our life, some more, some less… As adults, we’re still seeking to heal some of those hurts and disappointments.”
Two Sides to Everything
Fox says that in her thirty years as a marriage counselor, she’s seen that there’s truth in the adage “opposites attract,” even if it’s not exactly what people think. She says we often look for a partner that brings us an opportunity to grow in some way or offers a different perspective from our own; for example, someone who’s very fun loving, free wheeling and indecisive might find themselves attracted to someone more stable, dependable and organized. What they don’t realize, Fox says, is that this attraction to differences is what can so often cause friction. “Imago helps us understand that why we might want to fire our partner is really the flip side of why we hired them in the first place.” For instance, the fun loving person who marries a stable partner might, a few years later, want to “fire” their partner for not being spontaneous enough. Or, alternately, the stable person might have found themselves attracted to the spontaneous person because of how fun and exciting they are, only to find themselves wishing they had a partner who was more organized or responsible. These contradictions can be hard to understand at first, but they can also give us huge opportunities to grow. “These complaints they have about each other are really zeroing in on exactly where each partner really needs to grow if they’re gonna be their fullest person.” The stable person might realize they can learn to be less rigid or stop to smell the roses, and the spontaneous person can examine their own indecisiveness. These conflicts can be a great space to find “growth pieces,” as Fox calls them: areas where we can develop more fully or fill in blind spots in our perspectives.
Bring Intentionality to Your Arguments
You never plan on having an argument, which by definition makes them an unpredictable scenario. Fox says it can make a world of difference to plan ahead and set a few rules for what to do when you experience conflict or tempers flare. She says it’s always helpful to stop and take a beat— there’s no use trying to problem solve if one or both of you is feeling heated. “We know now that when you’re highly emotional the logic centers in your brain get dummer so they’re not as active, so that statement of ‘I’m so upset I can’t think straight’ is actually psychologically true.” In heated situations, it’s easy for your brain to go into fight-or-flight mode and start focusing on trying to protect you from danger, which means it’s not in the best state for clear, empathetic conversation. If an argument is getting emotional, the best course of action is to separate and regroup once you’ve had a chance to calm down.
The second thing that’s useful to remember in any conflict is that only one person should be speaking at a time. “What Imago teaches,” Fox says, “is how important it is that one person has the floor and the other person agrees ahead of time to listen until they finish.” Fox says she personally has her patients set a time limit of five minutes, because this is usually enough time to get your point across clearly and fully. She says the next step is to take another pause so that the listener can have time to absorb what was said without getting reactive. “It gives each of you the time to think about what you’ve heard, be reflective, and think about what you’d like to contribute to the problem.” Then the listener can take the floor to respond in their own time.
She says another tool she uses with her patients is mirroring, a more intense version of active listening. “If you do it right, it’s not only reflecting back the words you’ve heard but it really is an effort to step into the other person’s world and really understand what they’re saying and why they’re saying what they’re saying.” She says that in our everyday communications we can miss so much of what the other person is saying because we’re feeling defensive or trying to think about what we’re going to say next. When you listen to someone with the intent to mirror, you’re more likely to understand what they’re saying because you’re summarizing their perspective in your own words after they speak. Fox says that, for many of her patients, mirroring is when they finally understand their partner’s perspective on something, even if it’s a topic that’s come up a thousand times. “When you’re actually asked to mirror something you listen in a different way.” She says mirroring is even more powerful because it lets the speaker know they’ve really been heard, and lets them clarify anything they’ve said after the fact.
The Power of Understanding
Fox says creating this kind of space where both people are really listening and working to understand can revolutionize our relationships. “That understanding can lead to a greater feeling of connection between two people, because a lot of what creates tensions is when people feel disconnected, misunderstood and isolated.” When there’s room to share without judgement or fear of a snappy reaction, it gives us time to get to the bottom of what we’re really trying to say. Fox says we often know where we’re starting when we speak up about something but we’re not always sure where we’re going to end up. Talking things over with an empathetic partner who’s focused on listening can help us find the deeper causes to our conflicts. “It can really help the person who’s speaking to access a more vulnerable place in themselves, which is probably where the source of the problem is.”
In this way, Imago can be an amazing tool for bringing us closer together while drawing attention to the places where we experience misunderstandings. The ultimate goal is to see conflict not as inherently bad but rather as an opportunity to learn more about our partners and ourselves.
Learning More
If you think the principles of Imago therapy would have something to offer you in your relationships, there are several ways to pursue it further. The tools it teaches, like mirroring, are easier to incorporate when you’re working with an Imago certified therapist in a dedicated space. Fox says that Imago workshops can also be a great resource for couples; many are now offered virtually online or socially distanced for safety. To learn more about the basics of Imago or get more insight into its teachings, you can also read Hendrix’s and Hunt’s original book, Getting The Love You Want, as well as its companion workbook.
It’s been three years since Amber’s cat got insta-famous. When she first got Jake, her striking four-year-old bengal cat, she laughed off suggestions from her friends to make him his own account on Instagram. But when posts on her personal account that featured Jake kept getting attention from random users, she decided to go for it. “In three days, I had more followers on [Jake’s account] than on my own personal Instagram that I’d had for three years,” she says. Users loved to follow Jake’s exploits and admire his gorgeous dappled coat. However, not long after she’d gotten Jake, she was facing a dilemma. Bengals, especially ones who have been raised with dogs like Jake has, are extremely athletic, and love to run, jump and climb. Jake got into the habit of dashing at doors, trying to get out of the house any time he got the chance. Twice, he got out. The second time, he disappeared for four days. Amber was certain that he had been stolen. When Jake turned back up on her porch on that fourth day, she knew they both needed a change. “He’s clearly got wild cat in him and wants to go outside,” she says, “but he’s so beautiful, he’s going to get stolen.” She found her inspiration in a pile of wood left over from a fence she and her husband were building in the back yard just after Jake’s second birthday. “I asked my husband if we could build a catio. He definitely thought I was crazy at first.”
It wasn’t long before the catio, a wooden enclosure that Jake could access from a window, started to take shape. Amber’s design was inspired by images she’d found on Pinterest and with her husband’s help the catio quickly evolved into a space full of shelves, toys and bedding that is, simply put, Jake’s favorite place on earth. As soon as the catio went up, the door dashing ceased; Jake gets his daily dose of nature curled up in the sun in the safety of his catio. “Jake will go outside for hours, especially in the summer,” Amber says. “He just watches the birds and the squirrels and he just sits out there and naps, totally calm. He really loves it.”
Amber says the easiest way to create a catio space your cats love is to take your cues from them. She’s constantly adding and changing elements in the catio to see what Jake, and now his little “brother” Juneau, enjoy. “Just keep changing it,” she says to anyone considering a catio. “They’re cats, they’re curious. They like to explore. When they start to get used to something, put in something else. Throw them a curveball.”
Amber spends a lot of time in the catio with her animals, so she can really get a feel for what they like. If she notices Jake spending a lot of time laying on a particular shelf, she’ll add a bed there. She once added some wooden stepping stones and quickly noticed that he “flat out refused to use them. He would just jump an extra couple feet just so he wouldn’t go on them.” They were soon replaced with something more to Jake’s liking. By contrast, Jake’s favorite catio feature is a swing bridge that Amber made herself out of wooden slats strung together with rope. He’s constantly on the bridge now, soaking up the sun.
Amber says she’s really enjoyed the community that comes with sharing about her catio both online and in real life. She’ll often see comments on her posts from people who are just starting on their own catios: “People comment all these nice things like, ‘Thank you for inspiring us to give our cat that same kind of space.’ It’s cool to hear.” In real life, she knows of at least a few people she works with who are working on catios of their own. “One lives on a busy street so she never wanted to let her cats outside. She saw my catio and said, ‘That’s awesome! I’m doing that too.’ And her cats love it. A lot of people are worried for their kitties and don’t want their kitties to get hurt. This is a fun way to keep them exploring and make their life a little more interesting.”
Amber loves to make seasonal changes as well, bringing out plants when the weather is nice and decorating the catio for holidays. In the future, Amber plans on completely updating the catio, ripping out the back and doubling the size. She wants to add more features that play to her bengals’ natural love of water, like a fountain or waterfall.
When Toni tragically lost one of her cats to an accident, she knew she couldn’t afford another loss and decided to start keeping her other cats inside permanently. When her cats started getting restless, she took to the internet for solutions and quickly found a photo of an enclosure someone had built outside a window to let their cats get some air. With more research, she learned these enclosures had a name: catios. “That was all it took,” Toni says. “A vision was born and construction began.” Her first catio was a simple window box that hung on the outside of the house, built using scrap wood from other projects. Unsure if their cats would take to it, Toni didn’t put a lot of effort into this first experiment. “We weren’t sure if they would use it or not so we didn’t spend a lot of time making it pretty.” The catio was an instant hit, and after a storm damaged the structure they took the opportunity to hire a contractor and build a bigger, better catio. “Off we went on a catio adventure. Paws down, it’s the best upgrade to the house we’ve ever done,” she says.
Toni says the cats love the catio and that it reduced a lot of the tension in their multi-cat household. Holly, Lucky, Scooter, Smudge, Fudge and Nano all find their way out to the catio on a daily basis, enjoying the fresh air and taking in the birds who perch at the nearby feeders. She says there’s been a decrease in furniture scratching and “kitty disagreements” with the extra space and stimulation that the catio provides.
One of the most distinguishing features of Toni’s catio is how green it is. A combination of plastic and live plants help to make the space feel like a miniature jungle. Toni highly recommends filling a catio with both real and artificial plants. It’s important to do research before adding any live plants as many are toxic to cats; luckily, the ASPCA and Plants For Cats both have guides to choosing cat-friendly plants. Toni has a few of her own favorites; she recommends the spider plant for its resilience (“easy to grow and it shakes off the nibbling of leaves with no problem!”), areca palms for a tropical feel and prayer plants for gorgeous, colorful leaves. Toni says that plastic alternatives are a lifesaver if you aren’t able to devote a lot of time to tending and watering; she likes to use them in hard-to-reach areas of the catio that would be difficult to get water to.
A few small details go a long way in making the catio magical. Toni says they installed bird feeders around the outside of the catio and after the birds realized they were in no danger from the cats on the other side of the mesh, they quickly became the cats’ favorite form of entertainment. She says adding a bit of mood lighting is always a good idea; a few solar lights are an inexpensive way to add a great look in the evenings. Like Amber, Toni gives the catio some seasonal twists: “The cats get their own Christmas tree!”
One of the first things Toni learned when putting together the catio was to eliminate dead ends; when you have more than one cat, it’s important not to leave opportunities for them to get in each others’ way, block or even trap each other in a corner or on a high shelf. After a few weeks, they started to notice when the cats seemed to want a new ramp to a certain area and added in more shelves accordingly. “We let them tell us what they wanted.” It became evident that the cats wanted a shelf directly in front of the window looking into the catio. “We didn’t put one there at first because we didn’t want to obstruct our view. But it turned out the cats really wanted to watch us from outside. So we added the walkway and now they love sitting outside and watching the humans inside.” She extends this advice to anyone else who’s putting a catio together: “If you have a catio and find your cats don’t use it much consider some reasons. Does it lack comfort items like beds? Is there a place to hide out? If you live in an area with extreme temperatures can you mitigate that by adding additional shade or shelter?”
One last tip: Toni advises new catio owners to pay attention to your flooring. She says that you should always start with a concrete, wood, or paver block floor rather than building a catio on bare dirt or sand; she says if left on its own the floor of your catio will quickly become a mess.
For years now, Alan Breslauer’s company, Custom Catios, has created bespoke cat enclosures for cat guardians in Southern California. He sees catios as the solution to the very real dilemma many cat guardians face between letting their cats out and keeping them in. He points to how much lower the life expectancy is for outdoor roaming cats and the toll they can take on local bird populations as reasons someone might keep their cats inside. On the other hand, he says, “there are all these risks for indoor cats too. Primarily obesity because they don’t get enough exercise, there can be territorial aggression in a multi-cat household, but most importantly it’s the boredom and stress-relieving behaviors.” He says these behaviors, like clawing carpets, marking and door dashing, are often caused by boredom and being prevented from doing what comes naturally to them. “Indoor house cats are going to live a much longer life, but is it a happy life?” Alan’s work helps bridge the gap between these two concerns: giving cats access to the fresh air, stimulation and exercise of the outdoors while preventing any harm to the cat or to the surrounding environment. He sees catios as the perfect way to help cats achieve the kind of activity they were meant for— without taking it out on your wallpaper. “Cats have all these souped up traits. They can hear with pinpoint accuracy. They can see in near total darkness. They can jump five to seven times their body height. Imagine having all that stuff and not being able to use it.”
Alan says that it’s obvious how much having access to a catio can improve an indoor cat’s life. He says that when he’s present to see his clients’ cats experience their catios for the first time, “It’s so much fun, just the joy of the cat. I know we can’t attribute human feelings to cats but it certainly looks like joy: the rolling around and the jumping and the purring. And the owners are so happy when they see it.” He says in general cats are much more impressed with height than square footage; a tall catio with lots of lofty shelves and climbable elements will help your cat show off its natural agility and give it a space it’ll never tire of. “Watching a cat climb up a pole, talk about pure joy,” he says.
He says that his clients will often report back that behavioral issues like marking in the house, door dashing or clawing furniture has reduced after the addition of a catio. “I never promise people it’s going to fix the behavioral issues,” he says, “But it never makes it worse.”
As his business has expanded and more people learn about and want a catio of their own, Alan has gotten to experiment with a lot of fun extra features: everything from floor to ceiling climbing poles, outdoor litter box compartments, hiding boxes and peek-a-boo bubble beds are available to help clients build their perfect version of “Cat Disneyland.”
Alan has a lot of tips for catio owners looking to flesh out their brand new enclosures. “When we leave, hopefully they’re just beginning at that point. We usually leave them one bed as a gift to get started. Beds are great not just because cats like beds but also because it gives them a place to leave their scent.” He thinks every catio should have a sign on it as well. “You should name your catio.” He says the mesh around the outside of the catio gives owners opportunities to embellish with anything from fake butterflies to long, winding vines.
Because the point of the catio is to allow indoor cats to experience nature, he says, it’s important to maximize the experience. Adding bird feeders and building your catio near bushes and flowerbeds will help attract birds, bugs and other wildlife for your cat to take in while it lounges. “If your catio is in a concrete area, you need to bring that stuff to the catio,” he says. Even a smattering of potted plants will help create the stimulating environment your cat is hoping for.
All in all, Alan couldn’t ask for a better job. “I love what I do and I truly believe I have the best job in the world,” he says. “I go to work every day and I really do feel like I’m helping cats and their cat guardians and the environment, all these birds and other animals that are otherwise potentially in the cats’ harm’s way. I feel like I’m doing good all around.”
Live plants are a great way to add life and vibrance to your spaces, and the process of keeping up with them and watching them grow can be so soothing and enriching. But if you’re a beginner plant parent, it can be stressful to know what a new plant needs. Some are sensitive to overwatering and others will wilt quickly without attention and figuring out where the best light is in your home can be a complicated process. That’s why we’ve found some of the lowest maintenance plants so you can easily stock your home with life without feeling stressed out or guilty for not meeting their needs. From shade plants to air plants, here are some low maintenance plants that are forgiving and easy to care for, the perfect addition to anyone’s home.
1. Pothos
Vibrant and winding, pothos are a great option for any home. They quickly grow leafy trailing tendrils if they’re not trimmed so they can fill a lot of space— they can easily take up the same amount of space as a tall potted plant for much less money and upkeep. Pothos are very shade friendly (some even call them “cubicle plants”) so they don’t need very much light and don’t need more than a watering every couple of weeks.
2. Sansiveria
Also called snake plants, sansiverias are one of the lowest maintenance plants you can find. They only need to be watered once a month or less and they’re light versatile, meaning they’ll be as happy in a shady space as they will in direct sunlight. There are even reports that in large quantities sansiverias can help purify the air in your spaces, and their deep green coloring will add beauty to any room.
3. ZZ Plant
ZZ plants, or zamioculcas plants, are extremely low maintenance and thrive in lower light; as long as you keep it out of direct sunlight, it will be a gorgeous accessory to your decor. ZZ plants are also able to store water in their root systems for months, so they can go for long stretches without being watered. A word of caution: ZZ plants can be toxic, so use discretion if you have pets or small children.
4. Air Plant
Air plants are trendy and make for the perfect decor in any setting; you can leave them on shelves or rest them in bottles, trays, bowls or even sea shells for the perfect addition to any room. Even better, air plants’ watering schedule couldn’t be easier. Simply let them soak in water every week or so and they’ll stay bright and beautiful. Just make sure you let the plants dry fully so they don’t develop any rot!
5. Spider Plant
Spider plants are so low maintenance that they’re basically unkillable; they’re able to grow in lower light and only need watering every couple of weeks. This is another houseplant that can help to purify the air, and you can even easily propagate cuttings to grow new plants.
6. Chinese Money Plant
In addition to having an interesting look, Chinese money plants are very easy to care for and need only sporadic watering and indirect sunlight. Place it anywhere in your home where it can soak up the light without getting hit by a direct beam and watch it grow gorgeous, green discs. As an added bonus, when their stems fall off you can replant them to make new plants!
You don’t have to have a world class green thumb to stock your home with lovely green plants. There are so many varieties of low maintenance houseplants that are forgiving and will fill your home with natural vibrance without demanding a lot of attention or care. Hopefully one of these plants will make the perfect addition to your home and will add peace and calm wherever you place it.
I think that a lot of us struggle with negative self-talk. In our heads, or my head at least, is a tiny judge that sits and declares when something could have been done faster or better or pipes up when you said something you shouldn’t have or acted without thinking. At the center of this voice are some foundational thoughts. I think for me the main one is that everyone on the planet is allowed to have flaws and make mistakes, except you. It might be a bit out of the ordinary, but one thing that could help soften this inner voice is writing a love letter.
It’s my opinion that an overactive inner critic comes from a fundamental lack of self empathy. I know it might sound strange to think about having empathy for yourself, but here are a few factors that might indicate you have low self empathy:
You have a hard time letting go of even minor mistakes
You talk to yourself more harshly than you would ever talk to a friend
You have a hard time committing to practices that would only benefit you (like a regular sleep schedule, cleaning out your room, or speaking up when someone’s actions affect you negatively)
You have a hard time understanding what phrases like “self love” really mean, or why they’re important
Lacking empathy toward yourself can have all sorts of negative side effects but the biggest one is that you stop being able to see yourself as what you truly are: a unique person who has both weaknesses and strengths. Lacking self empathy means you aren’t able to extend grace to yourself for mistakes and that you aren’t able to recognize your accomplishments and good qualities with the same sharpness that you see all your shortcomings.
Correcting Your Perspective
I used to think that my negative self-talk made me a realist; that I was able to see through to the “real” me inside in a way that few others could. But over time I learned that I was actually doing the opposite. I was ignoring so much information that didn’t fit into my conclusion in some kind of mission to prove that I was bad! The truth is, when we don’t give ourselves grace we stop feeling motivated to recognize our achievements and strengths and what we get is a completely distorted picture of ourselves.
When I have a hard time feeling empathy for myself, one of the first things I do is picture myself as one of my closest friends, or as a younger version of myself, a child who is just looking for acceptance or forgiveness. If a little child or your best friend came to you in tears over a minor screw up or a lack of productivity, how would you respond? This simple switch in perspective can help you see yourself as you truly are: a person deserving of love, acceptance, and grace.
Self-Comforting Gestures
Have you ever noticed in times of stress that you have a tendency to cross your arms, run your fingers through your hair or clasp your hands together? These are called self-comforting gestures; we’re attempting to give ourselves the same comforting touches we would give a loved one. I think of writing a self love letter as a different kind of self comforting gesture. When you’re in a time of intense stress or self doubt you need reassurance, and writing a validating letter to yourself can become another impulse to help us feel better. It’s a simple way to fill an emotional need in a way that you’ll truly accept because it comes from within.
Writing The Self Love Letter
Here are some keys to remember as you start writing your self love letter.
Proportion: You’re not trying to ignore your struggles or problems, you’re just trying to emphasize the good at least as much as you do the bad.
Empathy: Think of yourself as a loved one, someone that you care about or are rooting for.
Building to a Better Future: Thinking about and identifying your strengths isn’t just good for your self esteem (although that would be worth it all on its own!). Over time, thinking hard about where your passions are and what you’re good at can help guide you to a future where you feel more in step with yourself and help you feel more confident betting on yourself in these areas.
Because this is a letter to yourself and no one else, you get to make all the choices. Maybe writing a formal letter feels awkward for you; that’s ok. Try a bulleted list instead. Write ten things you like about yourself, five things you did well today, or ten things your younger self would be proud you’d accomplished. You could write the letter to a younger version of yourself, or write it as poetry or a song. The only thing that’s required when it comes to writing a self love letter is the self love!
As you write the letter, try to focus on the things that are in your control. Maybe you’ve been having a hard time on your job search. You can’t control when employers will reach out to you, but you can be proud of yourself for working hard and putting yourself out there. You might not have found your ideal relationship yet, but you can be thoughtful about what you want it to look like and invest in your relationship with yourself.
Writing a letter like this doesn’t mean you have to be fake or ignore your struggles, it’s just an exercise in how you express those frustrations to yourself. Rather than listing things you’re disappointed in, what if you got curious about where those emotions come from? Why was this minor setback so difficult for you and does understanding it more deeply help you feel less upset? Try to frame perceived mistakes or flaws not as damning, but as places you’re excited to grow in the future. Think about how you would walk a friend through something they were struggling with; you’d probably want to be constructive and as gentle as possible. Extend yourself the same courtesy.
Try closing the letter with things you hope for the future. Do you hope that a year from now you’ll feel happier and more self-assured? Can you see a path forward through something you’re struggling with, and how does it feel to look forward to a time when it’s behind you? One of the best motivators is hope and visualization, and sparing a moment to reflect on a brighter future can make for a better present.
Turn It Into A Practice
Your first time writing a self love letter might feel like a struggle. If you’re having a particularly rough day, it might be genuinely hard for you to think of positive things to say. But I promise it gets easier over time. I officially give you permission to text some close friends asking them for some ideas. In the days following your first attempt, maybe more ideas will start to come to you. You’ll remember your passion for justice or some kind words you said to a coworker or a really good outfit you put together. Jot these down and save them for your next letter. Soon, this will become more than just an exercise and you’ll start retraining your brain to recognize and validate as many strengths as it does flaws and mistakes.
For more tips on how to make a letter that really sparkles, read our guide here.
Whether you’ve got a dedicated home office or have improvised one in the past year, there’s something to be said for a little intentionality. Most of us spend a decent part of our lives working, and a few small, thoughtful details can go a long way. The necessities like a good chair, solid desk and bright light are all important, but so are the things that will keep the space feeling comfy and full of personality even after you spend a lot of time in it. Here are 11 easy ways to make your desk or office setup feel more comfortable and bright, which might affect your productivity more than you even realize.
If you spend a lot of time in front of your laptop, you’re probably no stranger to hunched shoulders and the pain and aches they can cause. A laptop stand like this is an easy way to correct for bad posture as we spend a lot of time in front of our screens.
Bringing a little piece of nature to your home office can help to refresh the space and fill it with a little energy. This gorgeous bonsai will help to infuse your desk with some fresh life while looking absolutely gorgeous.
If you find yourself wishing you could just work outside, this bud vase might be able to help. Take a flower from your yard and let it give your desk a bit of color and life.
Wrist fatigue and carpal tunnel are common complaints for anyone who uses a keyboard on a daily basis (aka all of us). These handmade cushions are filled with lavender and flax seed, proving a soft and calming addition to your desk while also taking care of your hands and wrists.
These attachable drawers are a godsend for anyone who bought a desk without thinking about where they’d store all the little accoutrements that come with working from home. A cluttered desk can often, even subtly, make us feel a bit more scattered and less in control. Easily wrangle odds and ends to keep your desk and your mind clear.
Getting in the habit of making little notes can be helpful if you have a hard time remembering everything you need to, but how do you keep track of them without creating clutter? A bulletin board like this one can helpfully store any reminders in your home office, plus a few photos to brighten your day.
Everyone needs an easy place to work out their thoughts, ideas, plans, and occasionally doodles. This whiteboard is compact enough to fit any space and it even sticks to glass.
Photos serve as visual reminders of the people and memories that are the most important to us— displaying them in our spaces can help us remember all the love and light we have in our lives. Keeping a photo of a loved one close by while you work can brighten your atmosphere and create a sense of perspective.
If you’ve got an overflowing to-read list or an abundance of knick knacks in your home office setup, you know that stacks can quickly form and rob you of surface space. This little nook will contain everything to a corner of your desk, letting you display your favorite books and mementos without them taking over.
Even if you’re not a Type-A person, a little planning and organization can go a long way. This planner will let you have a one-shot look at your entire day so you never lose track of a thought, Zoom meeting or important task.
Sometimes the thing you need most is just a little bit of quiet. Working from home can make you vulnerable to distractions, especially if you’re living with other people. Getting a set of noise cancelling headphones can add a sense of control to your work day, allowing you to shut out the world and concentrate when you need to.
Working from home isn’t always easy but there are simple ways to make it more enjoyable. Sometimes adding the smallest thoughtful detail to your home office can make the biggest improvement in your day, whether it’s a little reminder of a loved one or an easy trick for keeping track of your to-dos.
Similar to other personality tests like the Myers Briggs, the Enneagram can inform us on details about our inner selves, grouping individuals according to their underlying needs and desires. Because the Enneagram is good at diagnosing our inner motivations, fears and blind spots, it can make a great tool for learning more about how to better care for ourselves. The longer I’ve been learning about the Enneagram, the more empathy and compassion I’ve gained, not just for others but also for my own strengths and limitations as well.
Everyone is different, and each person has different ways of coping with the demands of daily life. Because of this, we all have different paths to peace and different obstacles lying in the way. The Enneagram can help us better understand what these paths and obstacles look like for each of us as we work to provide ourselves with the version of care that suits us the best. Here are a few suggestions for what your self care might look like according to your Enneagram type.
If you don’t know your Enneagram type, you can take a test here to find out and read more about the basics of each type in our earlier post.
Type 1: The Reformer
As a One, you can often find yourself tempted to prioritize checking experiences off of your list rather than being fully present in them, and can feel a deep need to do things perfectly. Spend time on a hobby or creative pursuit that doesn’t have an objective to it, like an art form you enjoy or a low-pressure craft. This will allow your mind to find a little peace while still leaning into your productive nature.
Type 2: The Helper
As an Enneagram Two, you’re naturally driven to minimize your own needs and value to look after others. As uncomfortable as it might sound, try asking one loved one to tell you the things they love about you and take the time to appreciate that you are worth more to the people around you than simply what you’re able to provide.
Type 3: The Achiever
Threes are talented at sticking to their strengths and knowledge bases because they often enjoy being the most competent person in the room. Give yourself permission to get out of your comfort zone and pick up an interest or activity that you’ve always been curious about but that you might not be perfect at. Allowing yourself to act on your own desires instead of reacting to others’ input is a valuable reminder of your self worth.
Type 4: The Individualist
As a Four on the Enneagram, you might find yourself letting everyday tasks and responsibilities slip through your fingers, either because you feel overwhelmed at all there is to do or because you find it hard to see the point to menial tasks. Today, do one thing you’ve been putting off to show yourself it’s almost never as bad or difficult as you’ve built it up to be.
Type 5: The Investigator
Because Fives value their independence so much, they exert a lot of effort to make sure they have “enough:” enough energy, alone time, rest, and resources. Take a little time to do something that challenges this mentality of scarcity: spend extra time on the phone with a friend or opt into a group chat even if you’re on the fence about it. It can be nice to push back against the anxiety that convinces you you’re in danger of running out of your stockpile.
Type 6: The Loyalist
A common Six mindset is “everything will be fine as long as I stay vigilant.” Sixes might be more talented at foreseeing and avoiding setbacks because of this, but it can be so exhausting to move through life thinking that the safety of your world rests on every choice you make. Set aside some time to turn your phone off- yes, off– and read a book, take a bath, or do anything else to show yourself that everything will be okay even if you’re not on the lookout.
Type 7: The Enthusiast
An Enneagram Seven’s strength is their inspiring love of freedom and capacity for joy. But this desire for freedom means they’re naturally avoidant of pain and negativity. One of a Seven’s biggest weaknesses is a tendency to chase distraction rather than face difficult realities. It might sound uncomfortable, but dedicate some quiet time for yourself to journal, meditate, or just reflect without distractions and see what good comes from making an effort to meet yourself on a deeper level.
Type 8: The Challenger
As an Eight on the Enneagram, you present a strong front to the world and prioritize being decisive and confident while standing up for those with less power than you. This can mean that you have an aversion to ever appearing weak or vulnerable, making it hard for you to express the ways the world affects you. Take some time, whether it’s to yourself via journaling or with a trusted friend, and be honest about hurts you’ve experienced and any exhaustion or burnout you’re facing.
Type 9: The Peacemaker
Nines are one of the most empathic types in the Enneagram, able to relate to almost anyone and provide them with a safe space. Nines are some of the best listeners, and truest friends, in the world, but it can come at a cost. As a Nine you might have a hard time setting boundaries or expressing your own needs and instead might suppress them to avoid conflict with others. Rather than continually shrinking to provide for others, take time to set some definitive boundaries for yourself, whether it’s declining a phone call when you feel tired or saying no to an obligation.
The Enneagram can be such an amazing tool to gain self knowledge and evaluate the things you need the most. I hope your type gives you some insight today into a part of your personality you’ve never considered before, or helps you find a new way to help yourself achieve peace, rest and comfort.
Communication is the backbone of every strong relationship. It’s the way we get to know each other, understand each other, and share our stories. But none of us are born perfect at communication. Even with the best of intentions, sometimes we can still end up feeling like we’re speaking a different language than our partners and loved ones.
Communication is always something we can improve on, so we asked Dr. Emily Cook, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Bethesda, Maryland, what it takes to be a good communicator.
Why Is Communication So Hard?
One of the things that makes communication so difficult is just how much information we convey and process without even realizing it. Dr. Cook says that communication is a transfer of information, and that information goes way beyond our word choices. “It’s not just the words we’re saying,” Dr. Cook says, “But our tone of voice, our body language, our assumptions, what we already know going into it, what we bring to the table. We often don’t listen from a blank slate and we’re also not speaking from a blank slate.”
This is true for any interaction, but especially so when you’re talking about a conversation between two people in a relationship who have months, years, or even decades of history together. One of the reasons communication can be so hard or why misunderstandings can be so common is that it’s easy to get wires crossed when we’re bringing our own memories and baggage to a conversation.
Consider Your “Job”
Dr. Cook says that good communication means focusing on your role as either the listener or the speaker; either way, you have to do your job well for the communication to be successful, and each role requires different skills. “Am I looking to share something and be understood,” Dr. Cook says, “Or am I seeking to listen and understand?”
If you’re going to be the speaker and have something you want to share, it’s always helpful to be thoughtful about what you want the other person to understand. You want to be clear, use “I” statements that focus on how you feel, and you want to think about your message. Can you imagine what the other person’s reaction is going to be? What’s the purpose of sharing? “Am I asking a question? Am I describing a need? Am I telling a story, looking for advice or validation? In the therapy room when there’s something to be communicated, I work with the speaker to think through some of those things on the front end.” Dr. Cook says that when you consider your listener when you’re deciding how to share your truth, it can make it easier for them to feel cared for while receiving it.
Even if you’re not the one speaking, you still have a crucial job when it comes to communication. “The listener’s job is to be the receiver,” Dr. Cook says. “Can they set aside their own agenda, their own assumptions and really bring an open heart to the conversation?
There are a few visualizations Dr. Cook walks her clients through when practicing good listening. The first is an exercise called “crossing the bridge.” Imagine the speaker inviting the listener to cross a bridge into their world. The speaker becomes the listener’s tour guide, introducing them to their world. “When the speaker crosses the bridge, they bring only themselves,” Dr. Cook says. “They leave behind their judgements, they leave behind all their baggage and they only come as themselves with an open heart.” As a listener, visualizing crossing this bridge into your loved one’s world can help you loosen your grip on your own biases and focus on really hearing the other person.
Another visualization, which Dr. Cook explains in her book, involves picturing the speaker passing a rock to the listener. “The speaker goes into their suitcase or their bag and selects the rock they want to pass. There’s a thoughtful process about which one is important today and then they select it. They spend a second with it, considering what they want to share about it, how it feels, where it came from and what’s important for the other person to know about it. And they start to describe it: ‘This is my rock and I want you to know this about it and it’s this shape and be careful of this sharp edge over here.’ And as they’re describing it, they’ll pass it over to the listener. They’re not throwing it at their head, they’re not dumping it on their lap, they’re gently passing it. And the listener receives it and holds it and reflects it back: ‘I see that this is an important rock and I see the sharp edge, I’ll be careful.'” The listener hands the rock back, grateful that the speaker was willing to share it with them. Using a metaphor or visualization like this can be very helpful when we’re thinking about how to hold each other with love and gentleness rather than with reactiveness, fear or judgement. Even when we have things to share that are unpleasant or charged or difficult, being careful to maintain a sense of respect, love and tenderness is how we have truly successful communication. After all, the goal of communication isn’t to win, it’s to connect, understand, and be understood.
Emotions Count
The most obvious part of communication might be the words we choose to share, but there’s a lot more to the story. If you’re solely focusing on word choice, you might not be conveying the message you think you are. Dr Cook says that as humans we are way more attuned to nonverbal emotional feedback, meaning that we’re not just listening for words but for the emotions behind them. “There’s really interesting research about our brains and how they take in information. When there’s a disconnect between the words we’re hearing and the information we’re getting from the nonverbal, facial expressions and tones of voice… if there’s a mismatch between them, our brains preference the nonverbal information first. It’s the older part of our brain. We were communicating as animals without words much earlier than we were using language, so that part of our brain is faster because it’s older and it’s wired deeper.” This disconnect can get us in a lot of trouble: think about a time someone apologized to you without really meaning it, or got defensive even if their words were calm. We’re very adept at gleaning deeper meanings, which is why making sure our tone and words match our energy is so important. Dr. Cook says even if your intention is to stifle your emotions in an attempt to sound calm and neutral, the results could be harmful. “The other person’s going to pick up on that and wonder what else is underneath it.” She says this is why she works so hard in therapy to create a safe environment for vulnerability and authenticity, and why you should try to do the same at home.
Slow Down
Dr. Cook says one of the biggest communication missteps she sees is just rushing through conversations without taking the time to make sure everyone is understood. “When we’re going fast we get reactive and we can miss really important pieces, and we’re probably not doing a great job listening because we’re already thinking about how we’re going to respond. That just ratchets up the intensity.” Eventually, if you don’t slow down, conversations turn into arguments where neither person feels heard or understood. The antidote to this is just to focus on the hearing. Making sure everyone has the chance to be heard, setting aside distractions and slowing everything down can make these exchanges more productive and kinder to everyone involved.
Getting Good At Communication
Like anything else, becoming good at communication requires practice. There are a few exercises Dr. Cook recommends if you’re trying to get better at both sharing and listening. One of these is simply getting in the habit of debriefing after difficult conversations. Asking questions like “How did that go for us?” and “Did you feel heard and understood?” can help you gain new insights and make conflict feel less like a single scarring event and more like everyday maintenance. After all, the purpose is understanding so it’s important to make sure it’s working. With these debriefing conversations, everyone has a chance to share what went well and what didn’t, helping these exchanges to get smoother and easier over time.
Dr. Cook says that if there’s something you feel like you need to share but are having a hard time finding the words, you should try journaling it out or even just talking about it in a voice memo. It’s the same principle as writing a letter when you’re upset and then waiting to re-read it after you’ve taken some time to cool down. In the moment we can get defensive and emotional so working out ahead of time the essence of what we want to share, and why it’s so important to us, can help keep us on track. Dr. Cook says this kind of prep can help us feel more confident in our message. She says some might resist this strategy because they don’t want to sound scripted or rehearsed. “I think the reframe on that is: ‘I really was intentional about what I wanted to say and I had you in mind, my listener.’ And when the listener hears this message, they feel respected.”
When you keep your listener in mind while planning what you want to say, you can assure them that you thought about what it might be like for them to hear this information. This can only help them feel more loved and appreciated, and it also gives you the best chance of being understood. “It helps get the message across. And that’s really what we want. The point is to deliver this information and have it be received and then reflected back to us.”
Dr. Cook’s last piece of advice is to do some research on how to validate. “That’s a skill that you can learn how to do. Learn how to be a safe listener for someone who’s sharing. It’s trust building in yourself and in the relationship, that we can do hard things. That’s Glennon Doyle’s talking point. We can do hard things. We can say hard things with love, we can say our truth, we can be authentic and when we’re in a safe relationship, a genuine and mutual investment, we can do it.”
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