Category: Personality Types

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Destigmatizing ADHD – A Conversation with Master Certified ADHD Coach Jane Massengill

Jane Massengill is a master certified coach and licensed social worker. She found coaching over 20 years ago when she was working with a group of psychiatrists who were exploring and expanding treatment for adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. A new profession in its infancy, coaching was exactly what Jane was looking for to bridge the gap between the internal personal growth work she was doing as a therapist and the external restructuring her clients needed with daily challenges such as getting to work on time, keeping a daily schedule or creating an exercise routine. She quickly fell into being among a small group of professionals in the country who had experience as a therapist with the training of a coach, plus years of work with adults with ADHD in a clinic setting. It put her in a unique position to write a chapter on ADD Coaching in Dr. Daniel Amen’s New York Times bestselling book, Healing ADD, and to participate in creating the first set of guidelines for ADD Coaches for the newly formed Adult Attention Deficit Disorder Association.  

This article is an excerpt from Carrie Ann’s March 3rd, 2022 Instagram Live conversation with Jane Massengill. It has been edited for length and clarity.

While ADHD (Attention-deficit / hyperactivity Disorder) is a fairly new type of mental diagnosis (it wasn’t recognized by the American Psychiatric Association until the 1960’s, and the “hyperactivity” component was not added until the 1980’s), it is also one of the most common. Many of us are related to someone, or at least know an individual with ADHD, yet a stigma still seems to shroud the disorder. When we imagine someone with ADHD, a lot of us picture that busy boy in class that can’t sit still. The truth is that ADHD has many faces, which is why it can often get missed in childhood. Many people do not even realize they have the disorder until their own children are diagnosed and they connect the dots. This is especially true for women, who don’t always present with that stereotypical case of hyperactivity. If you’re unfamiliar with the disorder or simply curious to learn more, we were lucky enough to have Carrie Ann’s personal ADHD coach, Jane Massengill, dispel common misconceptions and share her own story.

Carrie Ann: On our on our first episode of “Carrie Ann Conversations: Journey to Wellness”, I spoke with Dr. Daniel Amen and shared my ADHD diagnosis. It was Dr. Amen who referred me to you, and suggested I speak with you. Can you share with everyone how you started working with ADHD patients? And how an ADHD coach is different from a life coach?

Jane Massengill: Great question. It’s really interesting, I was thinking about this this morning. When I first started out as a social worker in the early 80s, there was no such thing as adult ADHD. It was really just a diagnosis and kids. I ended up meeting Dr. Amen when I moved to California, because I wanted to work with a psychiatrist and work with families. So at the time, the only thing we had was the Yellow Pages. I called every psychiatrist in the Yellow Pages and Amen begins with A, so I met him the next day. Dan hired me on the spot. He had actually just finished his residency, so he had just started his practice. So we started working together in the late 80s, and were seeing a lot of parents that had kids with ADHD. Right around that same time, Dan started doing brain imaging, and I volunteered to have a scan. Through that process, I learned about my own ADHD.

Carrie Ann: Wait, is that the first time that you realized you had ADHD?

Jane Massengill: Absolutely. Yeah, I was doing all of these evaluations with people at the Amen clinic. I had left the clinic for about four years when my kids were really little. When I came back, Dan was doing these scans and he needed a bunch of people with healthy brains to volunteer. After the diagnosis, I remember thinking, this just makes so much sense. He said he didn’t expect it, but he didn’t see a lot of my own struggles that weren’t showing up in the workplace. He didn’t see the stuff in the background, you know, what my piles looked like at home and how I worked really hard to just try to keep it together. So it was such a relief to me when I had that diagnosis. I think it is for most people, Carrie Ann I think you said earlier that it helped you connect the dots. That’s what it was like for me, a light bulb.  

Carrie Ann: Yeah, it really brought it together. And you’re right, it connected the dots for me. When we first started working together, I remember that you asked me if I had kids, because you said a lot of parents don’t even know they have ADHD until their children get to a certain age. Then they start to see it, and feel overwhelmed in their life. Why is it so difficult, not knowing that you have ADHD?

Jane Massengill: Yes, that was absolutely true for me. I mean, my diagnosis happened right in the middle of when my kids were really little. I was juggling a lot of stuff and trying to try to work. Again, it was just a big aha.

Carrie Ann: It was such a big aha for me too. And it really helped me understand a lot of things. As a child and for most of my life, I’ve always felt a bit different. Some parents will tell you, oh, no, you’re not special. But that’s not what I was trying to say. I was trying to say that I think my brain is a little different. But parents always try to keep you in line, and keep your feet on the floor. My mom was always doing that, she would go “oh, I don’t know about that”. There’s a lot of misconceptions out there about ADHD, especially adult ADHD. So first of all, what is ADHD?

Jane Massengill: Great question. ADHD is a genetically and biologically based syndrome. I like to think of it as a way of being in the world, but there is biology to it. There absolutely is clear science. There’s no disputing any of that. When you’re an adult with ADHD, you have issues with attention and focus, and doing things that are routine, that are boring. The opposite is true, though, too. Attention Deficit is such a misguided term, actually. We don’t have a deficit of attention. We have so much attention, we don’t know what to do with it! That’s the biggest challenge. So It’s all about learning how to bring that attention under control. That’s really the challenge.

Carrie Ann: I’m an open book, so I’ve been running around telling all my friends that I have ADHD. And I can see in some of their eyes that they don’t believe me, or they think that I’m just being a hypochondriac. Because when you have autoimmune conditions, you’re also often accused of being a hypochondriac. As I’ve done my research, working with you and Dr. Amen and reading every book possible about ADHD, I’ve realized that it’s just a different way of thinking. We can’t control the speed at which our brain wants to focus on things, so sometimes it hyper focuses and sometimes it wanders down the street. Is that a good way to describe it?

Jane Massengill: That’s a wonderful description. One of my favorite ADHD books, “ADHD 2.0: New Science and Essential Strategies for Thriving with Distraction” by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey, talks about this. Dr. Hallowell says that when you have ADHD, it’s like having a Ferrari brain with bicycle brakes. When you have ADHD, you prefrontal cortex, which is kind of like your supervisor or your secretary, is not functioning like it does for everybody else. So, you have issues with what they call “executive functioning”. I think of that as an executive secretary that’s just out to lunch. And sometimes that person comes back. And sometimes they don’t. You don’t always know when they’re going to come back. You can’t trust them to always be there for you. That is why learning how to manage it, working with a coach, and getting treatment for it will help – you’re training your manager.

Carrie Ann: I know it’s very important to manage your ADHD. You were telling me some statistics last time we did a session about unmanaged ADHD, can you share them?

Jane Massengill: Russell Barkley is a psychologist who’s been researching ADHD for 40 years now, and I had the honor of working with him when I worked at UMass Medical Center. He came up with research a couple of years ago, which absolutely blew my mind. This research says that if you are an undiagnosed, untreated, unmanaged adult with ADHD, your estimated life expectancy is up to 12 years shorter than everybody else’s. I mean, that’s a lot of time. And if you think about it, you’re more prone to accidents, car crashes, and not managing your health when you have untreated ADHD.

Carrie Ann: What about eating and stress? I think unmanaged ADHD had an effect on my autoimmune condition. This has been a hidden key to helping me feel better, because I noticed that my stress is escalates when my ADHD is unmanaged. And that’s why you have been such a blessing in my life, because you really taught me how to manage it.

Jane Massengill: It’s funny, when I when I share that statistic, everybody has a story. I just shared it with a colleague of mine yesterday, and she was telling me that when she was in her early 30s she found a spot on her hand. And her friend said look, you need to go get that spot on your hand checked. But it became one of those things that she just kept procrastinating on. When she finally saw the doctor, he said if she would have waited one more month, it would have killed her. It was melanoma. So I just think it’s there’s so many things. I think about my own family. My father was killed in a car accident when he was 48 years old. He was a policeman, and a lot of people with ADHD end up going towards those types of professions. But ADHD wasn’t around then. When I look back, it certainly makes me question if he was undiagnosed and died early because he was staying up really late, and probably not paying attention while he was driving. So ADHD is something worth paying attention to.

Carrie Ann: First of all, I’m so sorry about your loss. I didn’t know that. And it’s interesting when you do find out about your ADHD, you can kind of look back through your life and track how it may or may not have affected you.

I’ve also noticed that people often think of ADHD in a stereotypical way. They think ADHD only looks like a little boy in class who can’t sit still, who’s hitting the girls and having emotional outbursts. But look, that is not what I looked like growing up, and I’m sure that’s not what you looked like. You just mentioned that people with ADHD could be more accident prone. What are the other signs of somebody who has ADHD?

Jane Massengill: It looks different in everybody, and that’s why it’s hard to pin down for some people. People don’t necessarily understand it, there’s a lot of misconceptions. And some people – if you think of ADHD as an arc – barely meet the criteria for diagnosis. Other people have it on a much more extreme scale. It’s also an invisible disorder, so it’s harder to see sometimes. In adults, it can look like bouncing around. Many of my clients have these big balls that they sit on when we do coaching sessions, or they stand up. I always support that kind of stuff. Women are oftentimes missed with being diagnosed, especially as kids, because they’re the quiet ones that are sitting in the corner, not making any trouble. As adults, a lot of women with ADHD are afraid to engage because it feels too scary. They are more focused on wanting to do things that are less out in the world, and don’t push themselves to go out and do things.

Carrie Ann: I remember when I was younger, before I was diagnosed, someone said to me “oh, you have analysis paralysis”. And I sure do!

Jane Massengill: But you can also have hyper focus on things that you really love. A good friend of mine, Rick Carson, who wrote “Taming Your Gremlin”, told me once that I was like a pit bull on a rump roast. So when we are passionate about something we can dig in and not want to let go. When I first learned about ADHD, I read every single book that was out there, because I wanted to learn everything I possibly could about myself and about the people that I was working with. The benefit of that is we are really good at things that we love. The challenge of that is we sometimes don’t know when to stop, and we can burn ourselves out. And we don’t know when enough is enough. Almost everything with ADHD is a double edged sword.

Carrie Ann: One of the things that I’ve learned from working with you is that I need stand up against my brain. My brain wants to run away from a task that I know I need to do. I can walk by something on the floor 100 times, but that is not because I’m lazy, or that I don’t want to pick it up off the floor. Except that now I know that I have to actually put more effort into stopping and taking that moment to finish something. If it’s a short or mundane task, I can struggle with it. Even brushing my teeth in the morning. I do it every morning, but I’m always trying to talk myself out of it. I talk myself around it, like maybe I’ll do it this way. Maybe I’ll change the way I do it. It’s challenging. And I say all these things because I want people to understand that. You may not have ADHD, but you may struggle with some of the things that we’re talking about. And if you do have it, it doesn’t mean you’re limited in any way.

Did anything that Jane had to say surprise you? There’s so much to learn about ADHD, and a lot of what we know can lead to misconceptions! As Jane mentioned, the term “attention deficit” itself can be misleading – people with ADHD are also known to possess extreme focus. We hope that this conversation informed your own understanding of the disorder, or satisfied your curiosity. Factual information is the key to destigmatizing anything. Let us know your thoughts in the comments below, we’d love to hear what resonated with you.

To watch the full interview, click here.

For more information on Jane and her workshop, follow the links below:

Jane’s website

Get ‘er Done Workshop

Jane’s Favorite Books:

“ADHD 2.0” by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey

“Healing ADD” by Daniel Amen

“Taming Your Gremlin” by Rick Carson

“A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD” by Sari Solden and Michelle Frank

“It’s Hard to Make a Difference when You Can’t Find Your Keys” by Marilyn Paul, PhD

Jane’s FREE e-book  “7 Questions to Ask Yourself When you are Stuck”

Where to find a coach:
ADHD Coaches Organization:  ACO Home | ADHD Coaches Organization(specifically for ADHD Coaches)
International Coach Federation:  The Gold Standard in Coaching | ICF – Credentialed Coach Finder For all kinds of credentialed coaches.  Many people who work with adults with ADHD are listed here who may or may not also be listed on the ADHD Coaches Organization website.
Attention Deficit Disorder Association:  ADDA – Attention Deficit Disorder Association – ADDA, The Only Organization Dedicated Exclusively to Helping Adults with ADHD.   They have a Professional Directory of coaches, physicians, mental health professionals, educators and more who treat adults and kids with ADHD). 

Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/janemassengill/

Linked In:  https://www.linkedin.com/in/janemassengill/ 

Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/CoachJaneMassengill/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptKeXzblfAM

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Tools That Help with Attention & Focus: A Conversation with Master Certified ADHD Coach Jane Massengill

Jane Massengill is a master certified coach and licensed social worker. She found coaching over 20 years ago when she was working with a group of psychiatrists who were exploring and expanding treatment for adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. A new profession in its infancy, coaching was exactly what Jane was looking for to bridge the gap between the internal personal growth work she was doing as a therapist and the external restructuring her clients needed with daily challenges such as getting to work on time, keeping a daily schedule or creating an exercise routine. She quickly fell into being among a small group of professionals in the country who had experience as a therapist with the training of a coach, plus years of work with adults with ADHD in a clinic setting. It put her in a unique position to write a chapter on ADD Coaching in Dr. Daniel Amen’s New York Times bestselling book, Healing ADD, and to participate in creating the first set of guidelines for ADD Coaches for the newly formed Adult Attention Deficit Disorder Association.  

This article is an excerpt from Carrie Ann’s March 3rd, 2022 Instagram Live conversation with Jane Massengill. It has been edited for length and clarity.

Everyone can have issues with attention and focus – ADHD diagnosis or not. Our attention is constantly being pulled in every direction, and it’s never been harder to center ourselves and clear the clutter surrounding us. It’s no wonder that the wellness and self-help industries are at their largest, and that meditation has become part of mainstream culture. However, the saturation of the self-help market inevitably leads to confusion. Which tools are the best? How do I find what works for me? This is where coaches come in handy (check our are latest article on health coaches here – link Jim Curtis), because they know how to navigate the waters. If you’ve been feeling like it’s been difficult to focus, ADHD coach Jane Massengill has tried and true tools for you that you can implement right now.

Carrie Ann: What are some of the tools that can help ADHD? Because everybody says meditate, but what else is there? And why does meditation really help?

Jane Massengill: You don’t actually have to have a diagnosis of ADHD to benefit from the things that we’re talking about. Everybody can benefit from this, especially with the onset of the internet and so many distractions. Whether you have ADHD or not, our attention is constantly pulled, so it helps to know how to focus it. I think it’s no surprise that there’s been such a rise in meditation and mindfulness, because it absolutely helps us come to the present moment and quiet down some of the other things that are going on around us.

Meditation helps because it’s a practice of shifting your attention – taming your gremlin and quieting that monster of the mind. A book that I use all the time is “Taming Your Gremlin” by Rick Carson. Love it. For me personally, it really helped me understand that I can actually shift my attention. When I first got diagnosed with ADHD, I used to think my attention was like a fish on the bottom of a boat, just flopping around, and there was nothing I could do about it. I mean, that’s what it feels like oftentimes, right? But with meditation and with quieting the monster, you’re bringing your attention right back to your physical body, to your breath.

Carrie Ann: Oh, I see. I like to call it discipline. I’ve realized that if I’m not disciplined in the way my mind works, then it will go all over the place. Since working with you, I’ve realized that I need to be more disciplined without putting pressure on myself. Is that kind of what you’re saying, that with mediation we are learning how to build those muscles that support a better life with ADHD?

Jane Massengill: Absolutely. And then there are other tools. My clients will tell you that I’m a timer queen, I always have timers around me. I have a little timer in my office that I oftentimes set for 30 minutes if I’ve got something I want to keep my attention focused on. One of the things that happens with ADHD is what they call “time blindness”. I was actually talking to a client last night and he said, “my wife used to always say, if you loved me, you’d be on time”. And that makes me want to educate people all the more about what ADHD is all about, because it’s not about not caring about somebody and their time. It’s not being able to really understand what 10 minutes feels like, or what 15 minutes feels like. So I’m a major proponent of a watch that has a timer on it. Just this morning already used it half a dozen times, just to help me stay on track. So timers are a big one. Meditation is a big one.

Carrie Ann: What about lists? I’m a big list person.

Jane Massengill: Yeah, absolutely. Making lists, having something physical to help remind you, are what I think of as having homes for things in your mind. If you’ve got 15 things you’re thinking of all at the same time, making a list helps you do a brain dump. Any kind of tool that help you get a sense of time, like a big wall calendar, will help. I always have a poster sized calendar for the whole year, because it lets you stand back and see an entire 12 months at a time.

Carrie Ann: Yes, especially with autoimmune conditions, if you have a bird’s eye view of what the month looks like, you can schedule in time to rest. And you can you can make better decisions, because personally, I have a tendency to overbook myself. I get super excited about things, but then I can’t do them because I’ve said yes to seven things at the same time.

Now, one of the things that you taught me that I thought was so fascinating was the VARK test. You said that this can help anybody, whether you have ADHD or not. It teaches us about our learning style, which I thought was really interesting. How does that help somebody with ADHD or somebody who doesn’t have ADHD?

Jane Massengill: Well, we’re constantly learning and it helps to know what our style of learning is. And so whether you have ADHD or not, I recommend this test, especially for parents and their kids. VARK stands for visual, aural, read / write, and kinesthetic. It helps you communicate with not only other people around you, but understand how you communicate with yourself as well. And you, Carrie Ann, are actually are four-part learner. For example, one of yours is writing things down. So anybody that is working with you on your team needs to know that.

I’m also working with a college student right now who is a four-part learner. He really struggled with trying to get a project done, until he started realizing, okay, I need to make a diagram about this, I need to talk with somebody about it, I need to have a live example of somebody actually doing this, and I need to take notes. Then he can get it. But without knowing that, you struggle and you start beating yourself up. So I think the VARK test is a brilliant contribution that is super affordable, and can help anybody.

Carrie Ann: As somebody who’s also a four-part learner, that just means that in order for me to learn something, I kind of need to do it four different ways for it to sink in. And that did frustrate me because I was like, why am I such a slow learner, yet I’m also so fast? I pick up things so quickly, all the nuances in a room, and I can just feel it all. That’s what makes me good on live television. I feel like it’s my superpower. I’m aware of everything all at once, and I can respond to it or not. And the VARK test has helped me to know that it’s going to take me a few more steps. I actually learned patience with myself, which is something that you have really helped me with.

Jane Massengill: Yeah, not beat yourself up. Because that monster in your mind is always going to be right there at the edge to take you down.

Carrie Ann: I know there’s people who just think ADHD is BS, right? So what do you say to people like that? How do you help them to understand, or do they even need to understand?

Jane Massengill: Well, I do always want to reiterate that ADHD is not a belief, it’s not like a religion. It is a brain based set of issues set of challenges. Which by the way, it can really be improved. In fact, last week I saw a brain scan that was 20 years old. And we compared it to a new scan, and it was so hopeful to see the neuroplasticity of the brain, and how you can really improve your prefrontal cortex. So it is real. I think the most important thing to understand is that it’s invisible, and everybody has certain traits or characteristics that can look like ADHD. But if you have ADHD, you’re going to have more of a lifelong challenge with attention, distractibility, and focus. So it’s important for people to just have empathy, and educate yourself or stay open.

Carrie Ann: Stay open. That’s one of the things that I was surprised about in my work with you. Because it does require a certain level of discipline to get your ADHD in a manageable form for your life. And I’ve noticed that you have so much compassion when you help me, and that we often get into much deeper issues about things that I’m afraid of. When I tell you I’m struggling with something, what I love is that you don’t just go, oh, that’s just ADHD. You’re always like, well, what are you afraid of? What’s happening there? What are the possible outcomes? And I find that to be so nurturing. And so very healing. So if somebody were to go and seek out the help of a coach in their lifetime, what would the what advice would you give them in what to look for?

Jane Massengill: I think it’s really important to make sure that you connect with somebody. I always tell people it’s helpful to interview two or three coaches and make sure there’s a bond. So interview some people, and make sure that you are working with somebody that has some background and knowledge on what ADHD is all about.

Carrie Ann: You have been coaching for a long time, so I’m very curious to know if there is an area of life that people struggle with the most?

Jane Massengill: Absolutely – self-confidence. It’s probably top of the heap. If you’ve been told your entire life that you’re a square peg in a round hole, and you don’t fit in, you’re going to start to question yourself. And not give yourself credit when you do achieve great things. So I think the process of coaching is about helping you find your unique shape, you know, to get out of that square peg in a round hole mentality. There’s also healing to be done from some of the scars of the past. So that’s always a big thing.

Organization of time and space is always a big thing, and just struggling with getting the mundane things done on a regular basis. In fact, one of the things I started a couple of years ago is a three hour time management workshop. It’s called the Get Er’ Done Workshop and we do it on Zoom. Everybody starts with this list of things to do that’s very typical, like getting the dishes done, making phone calls, etc. It’s an accountability group, but I’m coaching people the whole time. So everyone shares who they are, what they’re working on,  and what they’ll be doing for the first hour. We set a timer, and then everybody turns their camera off. I stay behind the screens. And you go and do your work, then come back at the top of every hour for 10 minutes to check in with me. I always have people listen for their distractions and ask what got in the way. So there’s coaching, but it’s also about just knowing that you’re not alone, and that there are other people that are very successful in life and struggle with some of the same challenges.  

Carrie Ann: I love that you’re building a community for people. And, you know, it’s funny, as I listen to this conversation, I can feel even more that I’m not separate. I can also tell that some people are going to read this and be like, what are you talking about? But you know what, for people who have it, that workshop just sounds so enticing. I often feel better when there’s somebody around and it’s easier to get my projects done. I know that there are people out there that this is also resonating with, so how do they sign up for the Get ‘Er Done workshop?

Jane Massengill: Yes, they can go to my website, janemassengill.com. And they can use code conversations (lowercase or uppercase) for 60% off the price!

Carrie Ann: I love it. You’re so good at what you do, and I am grateful that you have come into my life and that I have you as a resource. And I think in this world, we’re all kind of struggling – these are difficult times. So knowing that there’s people that you can reach out to and get help from is amazing. I just have one final thought. I want to know where your compassion comes from, because you just have so much of it!

Jane Massengill: Thank you. I grew up in a community in Canton, Ohio, and my dad was a policeman and my mom was a nurse. All my all my relatives were teachers or in some kind of service industry. And I knew at a very early age that I wanted to be a social worker. After my father died, I had a couple of teachers that really took me under their wing. I think they were really pivotal for me in terms of helping me connect with that thing that’s inside of me that wants to do something important in the world for other people. So I just feel incredibly blessed that I’ve been able to clear out some of the clutter from my ADHD so I can connect with and help other people.

Carrie Ann: I love it. You’re following your dreams, and you help everybody that you work with follow their dreams. You’re helping me fulfill that right now with Carrie Ann Conversations.

Already planning a trip to the app store to browse meditation apps? If you’re interested, we have an article here on Carrie Ann’s favorite meditations on the app Insight Timer. In fact, Lisa Romano, a life coach we recently interviewed, has her own guided meditations on the app.

We hope this conversation gave you something new to think about. If something resonated with you, let us know in comments below! We would love to hear from you.

To watch the full interview, click here.

For more information on Jane and her workshop, follow the links below:

Jane’s website

Get ‘er Done Workshop

Jane’s Favorite Books:

“ADHD 2.0” by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey

“Healing ADD” by Daniel Amen

“Taming Your Gremlin” by Rick Carson

“A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD” by Sari Solden and Michelle Frank

“It’s Hard to Make a Difference when You Can’t Find Your Keys” by Marilyn Paul, PhD

Jane’s FREE e-book  “7 Questions to Ask Yourself When you are Stuck”

Where to find a coach:
ADHD Coaches Organization:  ACO Home | ADHD Coaches Organization(specifically for ADHD Coaches)
International Coach Federation:  The Gold Standard in Coaching | ICF – Credentialed Coach Finder For all kinds of credentialed coaches.  Many people who work with adults with ADHD are listed here who may or may not also be listed on the ADHD Coaches Organization website.
Attention Deficit Disorder Association:  ADDA – Attention Deficit Disorder Association – ADDA, The Only Organization Dedicated Exclusively to Helping Adults with ADHD.   They have a Professional Directory of coaches, physicians, mental health professionals, educators and more who treat adults and kids with ADHD). 

Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/janemassengill/

Linked In:  https://www.linkedin.com/in/janemassengill/ 

Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/CoachJaneMassengill/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptKeXzblfAM

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What You Value Most in Relationships, Based on Your Myers-Briggs Type

CARRIE ANN CONVERSATIONS | What You Value Most in Relationships, Based on Your Myers-Briggs Type

For years now the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) has played a part in so many discussions around the ways we understand ourselves and others. With sixteen possible types made up of four letters each, the Myers Briggs can give us an entire language to unpack our different preferences and styles.

The first letter, either E or I, indicates whether someone is introverted or extroverted. This helps explain where they draw their energy, how much alone time they need, and even whether they’re more likely to process information by sharing with others or by looking within. The second letter, either N or S, stands for iNtuitive or Sensing. Intuitive types are more concerned with the big picture than details, enjoy thinking about the future, and conversing about big, abstract thoughts. Sensing personalities thrive on the details, the concrete facts they can see and perceive, and tend to depend on their memories of the past to guide them in the present. The third letter, F or T, signifies whether someone makes decisions relying on their Feeling, emotional intuition, or prefer to rely on their logic or Thinking. Last, J or P stands for Judging or Perceiving. Js tend towards making a plan before taking action, prefer structure to chaos, and feel more comfortable with black-and-white information. Perceiving types, on the other hand, are more comfortable with improvisation, preferring to see how things go rather than establishing a firm absolute game plan.

The ways that these four letters combine can help inform us on the unspoken ways we operate, how our expectations from life differ from others, and how our needs manifest themselves. I’ve found that the Myers Briggs is especially helpful for the language it gives us to define our differences; so many conflicts are easily resolved when we’re able to understand where our personalities differ. As a P, understanding that my J friends will be more comfortable if I give them a concrete time to meet up rather than playing it by ear has made it easier to be a good friend to them. In relationships, the Myers Briggs can help us understand expectations that we’ve always assumed were universal; being able to get to the bottom of these personality differences will only make it easier to communicate with a partner or loved one.

If you don’t already know your Myers Briggs type, you can take the test here and then read on for more information about your type!

ENFP- The Campaigner

Creative, impulsive and intuitive, ENFPs hate feeling bored or boring and love having someone to bounce their long list of ideas off of. Because ENFPs can often get caught up in their own reveries, they value having someone around who’s flexible enough to follow their whims while still being grounded enough to remember to pay the bills.

INFJ- The Advocate

Intentional and wise, INFJs remain deeply rooted in a wealth of intuition which serves them and allows them to advise others. INFJs spend a lot of energy trying to maintain order in their lives and better themselves, so they find a lot of value in people who carry a lightness with them. People who are more spontaneous allow INFJs to disengage from their ordinary routines and relieve them of the pressure to always do their best. This pairing also means that the INFJ’s hardcore planning skills will never go unappreciated by their easygoing partners.

ENFJ- The Protagonist

ENFJs are almost always the caretaker in any given group, watching out for everyone’s needs even if it gives them a slight reputation for being bossy. ENFJs will often take on the burdens of everyone around them without ever complaining or drawing attention; because of this, they need someone around they can trust to take the wheel for a few minutes while reminding them the entire world isn’t on their shoulders.

INFP- The Mediator

Dreamy, introspective and thoughtful, INFPs excel at finding common ground with everyone while deeply valuing their own inner worlds. INFPs don’t always feel like their ideas warrant sharing and keep the bulk of their creativity between themselves and their journals, so finding a partner who encourages them to share and validates their interests is especially important for this type.

ENTP- The Debater

Charismatic and argumentative, ENTPs will often shy away from intimacy to avoid clouding the dynamic, irreverent persona they’ve constructed around themselves. They value people with thick skins and broad interests that they’ll never tire of talking to— and if they can find someone grounded enough to convince them that vulnerability isn’t a death sentence, all the better.

INTP- The Logician

INTPs’ skill for improvisation means they’re often trapped inside their own heads, thinking about all the possible choices they have ahead or rethinking ones they’ve already made. They’re at their best with a partner who can help them live in the present and draw them out of their mind palace for at least a little while.

ENTJ- The Commander

Competent, visionary and brimming with leadership skills, ENTJs excel at having a plan and knowing exactly how to execute it. A partner who respects an ENTJ’s independence, while pursuing their own passions, is a must for this type. There’s nothing more attractive to an ENTJ than a partner with a drive and a vision of their own.

INTJ- The Architect

The most introverted type in the MBTI, INTJs are known for requiring a lot of alone time and space to pursue their interests. To someone who doesn’t know them well, INTJs can appear cold and uncompromising, but the truth is that INTJs can just take a while to warm to someone before trusting them. It’s an honor to be let into an INTJ’s carefully guarded inner world; an INTJ’s ideal partner is someone who loves them with patience, makes them feel safe, and knows not to take any requests for alone time personally.

ESFP- The Entertainer

ESFPs have an almost magical ability to create fun wherever they go, and enjoy nothing more than getting their loved ones involved. Because they’re always chasing positivity, it can be a challenge for ESFPs to process negativity and conflict, or even sit still for long. The ideal partner for an ESFP will appreciate their fun-loving side while still affirming that they don’t have to always be entertaining to be loved.

ISFP- The Adventurer

Fiercely individualistic, ISFPs love experimenting with their look, creative outlets, and anything else- usually from the comfort of their inner sanctum. ISFPs value relationships where their creativity is treasured and supported, but where they never ever feel pressured to show something off before it’s ready.

ESFJ- The Consul

Caring and detail oriented, ESFJs worry about others like it’s their full time job. Their tendency to prioritize closure might make other types feel put on the spot, and grey areas are not their strong suit. Because ESFJs are so good at following up with close friends, they tend to be the initiators in their relationships. This means that when someone makes the effort to approach them and care for them instead of the other way around, ESFJs take notice.

ISFJ- The Defender

ISFJs are usually more than content to stay on the sidelines, supporting their loved ones in their ventures and always ready to lend a hand. That makes a partner who recognizes their contributions and actively appreciates their presence is especially valuable to an ISFJ.

ESTP- The Entrepreneur

ESTPs are best embodied by the quote: “Life is a daring adventure or nothing at all.” Extroverted and energetic, ESTPs are always looking for the next exciting thing. They place major stock in a partner who’s able to keep up with their frequent epiphanies and schemes while having a cool enough head to talk them out of the craziest (or most illegal) ones.

ISTP- The Virtuoso

Being both naturally noncommittal as a P and detail-oriented as an S, ISTPs usually find themselves bouncing around from interest to interest, preferring to try their hands at many things rather than gain expertise in one. These same characteristics mean that ISTPs expect the outside world to change as much as they do. ISTPs often have a hard time placing trust in any situation, be it personal or professional, as permanent. The best partner an ISTP can have is one who’s consistent and trustworthy while not making them ever feel trapped, allowing the ISTP to finally add them to the short list of “constants” in their life.

ESTJ- The Executive

Strong leaders with great organizational skills, ESTJs love nothing more than assembling people to serve a larger purpose. Their organizational tendencies extend into their personal lives, where ESTJs feel most comfortable with clear intentions, overt labels, and an abundance of communication. An ESTJ’s ideal partner is someone who’s content to let them do the planning (whether it’s date night, a trip, or the chore chart) and promises never to leave them in the dark about how they’re feeling.

ISTJ- The Logistician

Pragmatic and grounded, ISTJs are usually very good at efficiently running their own lives. Because they’re so self-sufficient, what they need from their partners is less on the practical side. Instead, they benefit best from partners who know how to break them out of their routine (with due warning of course) and get them to have fun they didn’t write into their schedule.