Coping With An Eating Disorder During COVID-19? You’re Not Alone.

CARRIE ANN CONVERSATIONS | What To Do If You're Coping With An Eating Disorder During COVID-19

My working theory about life under quarantine is that everyone, no matter their situation, has had to face an internal challenge they didn’t expect. Maybe you didn’t realize you had a strong need to fill your calendar with plans until everything got cancelled, or you’ve had an uptick in anxiety from losing so much personal control over your own life. When life is as quiet as it has been under lockdown, suddenly those low-level frequencies become a lot louder and a lot harder to ignore. One thing I didn’t expect to come crashing back into my life was my history with my eating disorder.

For years now I’ve been unpacking my college experiences with disordered eating, slowly learning how to invest in my body and appreciate it instead of being disappointed by it or, more often, trying not to think about it altogether. One day almost two years ago now, in a rushing realization, I took a walk in the grass with my shoes off and for maybe the first time in my life I was thankful for the legs and feet and skin and nervous system that made all of it possible, regardless of their aesthetic components. Little by little, I started to believe in my body. I started scheduling in time for breakfast, a meal I’d traditionally neglected, every morning, because I knew it would help my body feel its best and it deserved that.

I didn’t know that the COVID-19 pandemic would become such a challenge to the new peace I had found. Everywhere I looked, triggers would activate alarms in my head that hadn’t sounded for years: having to stockpile two weeks’ worth of food, my normal daily step count taking a nosedive as my usual haunts all closed down, and posts all over social media panicking about the “quarantine fifteen” and listing all the ways to stave it off at home.

Suddenly, I was back to being forced to think about my weight, eating habits, and exercise patterns on a daily basis again. Shelter in place orders meant I was confined to my apartment, but I felt far more trapped by the resurgence of thoughts urging me to do anything necessary to avoid gaining weight in the pandemic, thoughts that I would immediately feel guilty for because everywhere I looked there more deeply important things going on than my physical appearance.

Quarantine has been a uniquely lonely time for so many of us in so many different ways; this has been one of the loneliest parts for me.

I felt a hint of relief when, as I was scrolling through Twitter one day, I saw words on my timeline that looked just like the ones I had been struggling to form. “I’m so used to constantly distracting myself with things — emails, running around the city, work, Hinge notifications (or lack thereof), cute dogs on the street,” author and comedian Ginny Hogan writes in her essay for The Bold Italic. “Now, directing my thoughts toward something healthy is significantly more challenging.”

Reading Hogan’s account of her quarantine experience made me feel so much less alone for how I had spent mine. It was all there: being paralyzed by how much easier it had become to track the contents of each meal, an overwhelming lack of distractions, an exhaustion with fitness accounts trying to rebrand quarantine as the ideal time to get in shape. If two of us felt this way, I thought, there had to be more.

A Perfect Storm For Eating Disorders

“2020 is so hard for those struggling with ED (eating disorders),” says Edie Stark, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, psychotherapist and eating disorder consultant based in San Diego. “Not only have a lot of coping skills like socializing, going to school, or in-person therapy been taken away, but the amount of social media and regular media we consume is up. With more down time, higher rates of isolation and less structure, eating disorders can thrive.”

Dr. Morgan Francis, a Scottsdale-based Licensed Professional Counselor with a doctoral degree in Clinical Psychology who specializes in treating eating disorders, sees the connection between cancelled events and social media uptick as a perfect storm for eating disorders. “Typically we look forward to traveling, seeing our friends, going to a concert. Those events increase our dopamine, a neurotransmitter responsible for pleasure, feeling good, and happiness. So when we see a decline in the stimulus of dopamine in our environment then we’re going to look elsewhere for it.” Our brains, she says, aren’t always great at differentiating between good sources and bad sources, which can drive us right into unhealthy habits like social media overuse. “Instead of getting a hug or having physical contact we might be spending more time on our social media, which can be impairing.”

The fact that there is so much public attention going towards avoiding weight gain and the dreaded “quarantine fifteen” while we grapple with a pandemic, Dr. Francis says, only goes to show the massive grip that diet culture and fatphobia have on our culture.”We’re in a pandemic, and our bodies are trying to keep us healthy. They’re trying to keep us alive. It would make sense that we’re eating more because we’re gearing up to undertake a pseudo-war with a virus.” Despite this, we still see massive anxiety and panic around the concept of weight gain in quarantine, which can be highly triggering to people with eating disorders. “We are in a pandemic, lives are being lost, we’re in the middle of Black Lives Matter, there’s an election coming up, and here we are freaking out about gaining weight. And that’s because of the intense amount of pressure put out by society and diet culture that says that there’s something wrong with you if your weight or shape changes.”

A public focus on avoiding weight gain despite a global crisis, combined with isolation and an uptick in social media, means that people who struggle with ED might find themselves feeling under attack.

The “Sick Enough” Mentality

The isolation that so many of us has been facing also makes it extremely easy to hide all sorts of mental struggles we may be having, or even dampen our ability to know that we’re struggling at all. Dr. Francis reference’s Dr. Jennifer Gaudani’s book Sick Enough to describe how far many patients will let their ED take them before getting help. “I think it goes for all mental health… It’s not until someone overdoses that they come in for help. It’s not until someone’s had a panic attack or is on the verge of divorce that they come in to talk to someone.”

“One of the main cognitions the eating disorder holds onto is ‘I am not sick enough,’ says Stark. “Not recognizing how sick you may be is the eating disorder’s way of keeping you sick. EDs thrive off of isolation.”

She says that the media’s portrayal of eating disorders, as well as its embrace of many unhealthy behaviors, can make it hard for people to recognize their own damaging behaviors. “Eating disorders do not have a look, and you certainly cannot tell if someone has an ED from looking at them.” She points to a number of “diet culture” trends that encourage unhealthy eating habits: “Influencers shelling detox teas, ‘clean eating’ and intense workout routines add to toxic messaging we receive every day about our bodies.”

Stark wants everyone to know that eating disorders are serious conditions, and that they could affect anybody. “Any human can have an eating disorder, no matter their size, race, or gender. We live in an incredibly fatphobic world that conflates thinness with health. Health is a lot more complex than someone’s body size.” She says weight stigma can prevent patients from getting properly diagnosed with ED, can delay access to treatment and even lead to harmful treatment. “Fatphobia in health care is horrible and deadly. Every human deserves respect and support no matter their size.’

Dr. Francis says that even if a person doesn’t think they fit the clinical diagnosis for an eating disorder, they should still seek support and help where they need it. “I want them to know that life doesn’t have to be like this. Life doesn’t have to be a prison where all you’re thinking about is ‘what am I eating and how am I going to get rid of it.'”

Safety Vs. Self Care

Around every corner there’s messaging about how to practice self care in quarantine; we’re all going through a lot, and the impulse to prioritize our self-empathy and keep ourselves feeling our best is a good one. However, a simple prompt to embrace self care might not hit the same for someone struggling with ED. “When we’re destroying our bodies we’re not engaging in self care or self love; quite the opposite,” says Dr. Francis. “A person who has a clinical eating disorder won’t understand self love for many reasons. It can seem very foreign, or like a toxic positivity.” She says when she talks about healthy habits for her patients with ED, she’s much more focused on safety than feeling warm fuzzies. “It’s about putting your safety first. Is it safe for me to be around my friend who’s training for a marathon if I’m recovering from orthorexia? Is it safe for me to be around a friend who’s dieting right now? It’s about making boundaries and understanding what’s triggering.” It wouldn’t be dramatic to say that Dr. Francis’ work with her patients is about survival. She says eating disorders are one of the deadliest disorders in the DSM. “It’s very serious and we have to treat it seriously.”

“Self care isn’t always bubble baths and face masks,” Stark adds. “sometimes it’s going to therapy, or setting boundaries with toxic family members.” She says if you have a hard time connecting with self love as a practice to start with the basics. “When something feels unachievable, it’s super hard to be motivated to work towards it. Start with baby steps. If you aren’t getting basic needs met, i.e. sleep, hydration and nourishment, it’s going to feel impossible to engage in the work of self love.”

Building A Quarantine Routine That Works For You

There are a few daily practices Dr. Francis recommends for her patients struggling with eating disorders. One of her rules is to connect with three people a day. “It could be six feet apart, it could be over Zoom or Facetime, but that’s really important.”

She also says it’s key to make sure you’re moving around every day. “And I don’t mean exercise, where there’s a measured outcome,” she says. “I mean breath work, meditation, getting outside, dancing, stretching, doing sun salutations, painting. Allowing the energy that we all store within our bodies to be released.”

Dr. Francis says connecting to our childlike center should be a regular practice. “Engage in play. Allow yourself to call back those times when you were a child and do the activities you loved. Maybe it was coloring, painting, or building legos, listening to music or creating playlists. Find things that you really enjoyed doing as a child and give yourself permission to do them as an adult.”

Stark adds a reminder to control the voices you’re exposed to. “Stay away from social media accounts that promote fatphobic content. Be wary of anyone telling you they can ‘fix you,’ because you’re not broken.” She recommends finding systems of support for yourself. “Find a support team that works for you. Join a peer support group. Get back to therapy. Make sure you’re nourishing yourself and drinking enough water.”

Remember That You’re Not Alone

In the isolation of the pandemic and the anonymity of social media, it can be so easy to feel lost and alone. Stark and Dr. Francis want you to know that if you’re struggling with an eating disorder, it doesn’t have to be your forever.

Both Stark and Dr. Francis recommend getting in touch with a therapist or maintaining your current therapy sessions, even if it means going remote. “You need to get the support of a licensed professional and maybe a registered dietician to get on a treatment plan to help you survive, to help you live.” Stark advises looking for a therapist who is HAES (health at every size) to make sure you have access to someone educated in body diversity and weight inclusivity.

“The struggle is real,” says Dr. Francis. “It’s very hard and I want to validate that for anyone who’s going through this season in their lives. It’s very difficult to navigate and that’s why I think it’s so critical to have a licensed professional to work with.”

Over the course of the COVID-19 pandemic, isolation has been an unfortunate theme for many of us. It can be hard to parse reality from perception, hard to know when we should be asking for help instead of trying to handle things on our own. We can feel like we’re being dramatic, like our problems aren’t worth focusing on because other people might have it worse. The shame that helps to fuel many cases of ED can be the same barrier that prevents us from talking about it, from finding each other and being honest with our loved ones when we need support and understanding.

“I want you to know you’re not alone.” That’s the message Stark has for anyone trying to live under the burden of an eating disorder right now. “You deserve support. You are capable of recovery. It is scary and brave to reach out for support, and you can do hard things. Find a therapist that is specialized in treating eating disorders, talk to your PCP, ask family or friends for help finding a treatment team.”

What I’ve Learned From Quarantining Alone

CARRIE ANN CONVERSATIONS | How To Be Alone In Quarantine

I live in a house by myself along with my rescue animals, who are often the best company I could hope for. In normal circumstances, this arrangement is perfect for me; my house is a quiet sanctuary from the motion and noise of my everyday life. When I’m around the bustle of production for one of my shows or on an adventure with some of my friends, my home makes for a welcome place of solitude I can come to, a place to relax and recharge.

But what about when solitude becomes the only option?

Like everyone else, my life changed dramatically in March as the COVID-19 outbreak began to spread to the United States. As we began to experience lockdowns and social distancing, I knew my life was going to change. Because of my autoimmune conditions, being extra cautious meant being cut off from many of my usual patterns of socialization. My house wasn’t just my sanctuary anymore; it suddenly became my whole world.

A lot of us, I think, have a quiet fear of being alone. We’re afraid that things we experience aren’t valid unless someone else shares in them. We’re scared of what being alone will mean for us, will mean about us. Loneliness is real; humans need each other to live, need community and comfort and support and love, and the prospect of being cut off from so much of those life-giving forces can be frightening.

But there’s something waiting for us on the other side of loneliness. There’s a chance to know ourselves better, a chance that we too often pass up in favor of knowing others instead. A chance to feel comfort in the quiet, to relish in the stillness, to see time with ourselves as a precious gift instead of a curse. How do you act when there’s nobody around? What interests are you drawn to when you alone are in full control of your time? Maybe you’ll find something you never expected in the silence: a newfound passion, a deeper focus, a softer and sweeter compassion for the voice inside your own head.

There is another gift in developing a comfort with being alone. When we no longer need to use other people as background noise or distractions, we are able to appreciate them, fully, for what they are. The people in our lives are no longer constants that we take for granted or tools we use to stave off loneliness; they are a treasure, actively chosen every day because of the value we know they have.

Our appreciation for other people can deepen so much when we stop thinking of them as a means to an end, and our understanding of the good they bring becomes so much clearer. They become beloved, precious extensions onto the happy life we have at our core instead of depleted resources that buckle under our expectations that they will fix our own inner unhappiness.

When you’re comfortable being alone, the experiences you choose to share with others can become absolutely magical. When we face the limits of living through a pandemic, our own imaginations can surprise us, and only make our connections stronger. A big, grand adventure might not be possible right now, but with some care, intentionality, and imagination, we can still create memories worth treasuring.

Last weekend, a friend and I decided to camp out in his back yard. We cooked our dinner on a grill, brought everything we needed outside, and set up our tents to give us the best view of the stars.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CCRjn49BzaX/

We pretended his pool was a nearby lake and brought a fan outside (if you’re going to pretend to be camping, you might as well go all the way and pretend to be glamping!). The ability to sleep under the stars, to change my perspective and spend time with a friend made for the perfect supplement to my socially distant life, and becoming comfortable in my own company made it all the more valuable.

If you’ve been spending quarantine alone, you might be surprised by what you learn about yourself, and the blessings and strength you find in the silence. You might also find that the ability to find small adventures, moments for joy and creativity in uncertain times, is one of the greatest gifts you can have.

3 Ways To Avoid Burnout While Remaining Socially Conscious

We are at an unprecedented crossroads in America. After months of seeing our way of life, health, and economy altered by the COVID-19 outbreak, the eyes of the nation now turn to the fight for racial equality, justice and peace. There’s a lot to be thankful for in this time: our ability to organize with each other, see the need for help and fill it no matter where we live, the hope that this could be the potential start of lasting change for good in this country.

But living through such a high-stakes, heartbreaking time for social justice in this country can have its costs. Without intentionality and attentiveness, it can be easy to become burnt out by all the information we’re receiving and all of the work that is before us. Whether you’re out marching or looking for ways to help out from home, it’s important to equip yourself against fatigue, exhaustion and apathy. Here are a few ways to take care of yourself and ensure you can continue helping out wherever you’re needed the most.

Give Your Attention Where It’s Helpful

Staying aware of what’s going on is important, but remaining glued to devices every waking minute won’t help us be more effective and it can drown us in information and emotion. Remember to give yourself some time away from social media to reflect on what you’ve seen and experienced and how you want to respond to it.

Remember That Levity is Okay

If you need a moment to disengage, to watch something silly, read a book or take a nap, it’s not a failure. Our bodies and our minds need rest from time to time and there’s no shame in taking that time to ensure you don’t collapse entirely. Retaining a base level of energy is important for the long term.

Focus on the Good That’s in Front of You

When we look at all that’s wrong in the world, we might feel too overwhelmed to know where to start. Social media is a blessing and a curse: visibility is a huge strength for social justice, but it can become hard to decide where to put our attention. It always becomes easier when you have a concrete list, plan, or place you want to start. Whether it’s making a list of places to donate this week, deciding to sign a certain number of petitions today, or finding a place you want to volunteer your time, giving yourself a plan of action is always useful. If you’re looking for ways to help in the fight for racial justice, we have a few places to start here.

Overall, activism isn’t a one-time event. Not everything will be accomplished today. What’s important is having the planning, dedication, and grace for yourself and others to weather the storm and lend your help in the days, weeks and years to come.