Author: Carrie Ann Inaba

Rage is a powerful and scary emotion.

I grew up around it. My father had a temper. He was not taller than 5′ 7″ but when he raged, those numbers meant nothing and he was a giant. His nickname was “Hot Rod” simply because he ran hot and he liked fast cars. When he was angry, he was a tumultuous storm of dark and uncontrollable energy. I remember thinking that when he was enraged, he was similar to a dog that was frothing at the mouth….ready to attack and eat you alive. And it was scary.

I remember being afraid when I could hear my parents arguing. My bed was up against the common wall that my parent’s bedroom and I shared. I could hear his stomping around the room as he yelled and swore… Eventually, he’d stomp right out of the room and out the front door slamming it on his way out. I also remember the peaceful and yet somehow strange stillness that followed those dramatic exits.

When my father got angry, he got this look in his eyes. It was a look that said, there is no way anyone can win this against me. I am blind to what’s in front of me. I only can see what I want and I will have it. In those moments, it was best to just step out of the way.

One evening when I was about 12 years old, my father caught a mouse. We lived on the edge of a wildlife sanctuary, and there were a lot of critters around our house, geckos, centipedes, mongoose, and rats and mice come with the territory. I think a mouse was eating some of his fishing gear in the garage and he was upset…very upset. dsAnd he was also drunk that night. I should also say here that my father was an animal lover. We always had dogs and cats and he loved them all very much. I think I inherited his love for animals. But this night, he was in a rage and he had caught this mouse in a little red fishing net. And he was so mad at this little creature that he was going to set it on fire and burn it alive. He was pouring butane lighter fluid on it and was about to set it on fire. I was horrified, petrified for the pain that this little innocent animal was going to experience…and I could NOT allow him to hurt this little being. He was screaming at it and I was screaming at him to stop and he was screaming at me not to touch the mouse… and somehow out of nowhere, I tapped into this energy – this anger, this powerful cou-rage despite how extremely scared I was. I was somehow able to run-up to the mouse and let him go before my Dad could light the match. I was sure my dad was going to kill me… I was terrified, but I had to save this innocent creature, and my need to save the creature was greater than my need to survive that night as a young pre-teen girl. I don’t know what came over me, but I stood up to my father and his rage, and I stopped him with my cou-rage and let that mouse go. I tapped into something that night made my father’s rage stop in its tracks. I found my own rage. And she was powerful. My twelve-year-old rage was able to stop his rage in his tracks. And she saved the life of that little creature. I noticed this.

My father never hit me. He was not physically violent with me. But he was certainly energetically violent and the threat of those outbursts created a very tense home life for all of us. Despite our family’s exterior appearance of being a happy family. But when I learned that I could stop that violent energy with my own rage, I learned a tool that was able to keep me safe. I also learned that I, and I alone, could stand up to my father when no one else could and I could stop him. But it only happened if I tapped into my rage. It’s like I could speak his language. And in some strange way, it eventually became like a bond that felt like love.

When I was older, I got sick and had to have a pretty serious surgery. I was about 33 or so. Both my mom and my dad flew in from Hawaii and came out to see me. Even my brother came. I had just come home from the surgery and was very out of it and in a lot of pain, and there was an outburst of sorts and my dad got enraged. And even at that moment where they were supposed to be there to help me, I had to find my strength and courage and specifically my rage to put him in his place. I remember channeling that force, that energy, steadying myself for the outburst that was to come. It came, and it was a force.. it was quieter but just as powerful in energy. I remember I was seeing red. I was in excruciating pain which made the rage stronger…which in turn made him stop acting out. And much to my surprise, after our interaction, he actually stopped, left, and then later returned and apologized to me. It was a shock to all of us. My father never apologized. Even my mom told me she was shocked that he apologized and that he had never apologized to her. But my rage was stronger than his, and it stopped the storm and made us all safe in those moments. I learned something again.

What I learned was that rage could stop things, and restore peace. When my rage came out, whether, in the form of courage or just plain rage, no one would get in my way. My rage was the only thing that could stop my dad. And it later became something that I could use to stop anything that was hurting me or putting me in harm’s way. People were afraid of my rage. It’s like she was my warrior spirit and she would take care of anything that hurt me. She was just what I needed to keep me safe. But recently I noticed that she was no longer working for me, but rather she was working against my own happiness.

My father passed away in 2013. He died in his sleep of a heart attack after surviving base of tongue cancer and colon cancer and a few heart attacks. I took care of him when he moved out to LA to have his treatments. It was an arduous road. Eventually, he moved back home, because he wanted to be there if he passed. And early one March morning in 2013, at 5:00, am I got a call from his caretakers… telling me he had passed in his sleep.

It hurt.

A lot.

The relationship I had with my father was complicated but was also full of love…and I will share more in a future blog post. I learned a lot about life from my father. He was such a strong force in my life and in many ways, I am that apple that didn’t fall far from the tree. In fact, I might have rolled back closer to the tree as I got older. I definitely got his rage, whether I wanted it or not.

So, cut to 2020 and I’m looking at my life with a magnifying glass. I’m healing the parts that need to heal. I’ve started my blog, my podcast ( which will release soon so stay tuned in) and I’m working on a book. I’m not in a serious relationship and spending a lot of time with myself. I also have incredible friends who are helping me process the pieces of my beautiful and unique life. And, I’m looking at what no longer serves me. Rage is one of those things. I’ve finally realized that this rage I needed in order to be my father’s daughter, to earn his respect and love, the rage that kept me safe and alive is no longer needed in my adult life. And now, it hurts me instead of helps me. I actually woke up one day and realized, the time for rage had come to a close. I‘m sure it sounds strange to say that it just ended. But it did.

I have learned other ways to handle situations, I have found better ways to keep myself safe in this world, that doesn’t require me to tap into a rage. I‘ve learned I can set boundaries with people and situations that feel dangerous. I don’t have to interact with other people’s anger. I can respectfully decline things that aren’t for me. I can lovingly walk away from people and situations that hurt me. I can share my emotions with compassion and love and peace at the forefront and allow my vulnerability and truth to always be at the heart of how I interact Without the constant fear of being hurt. And, if the person I’m interacting with gets heated, (those who were raised around rage, usually attract it in partners) I can end the interaction with a calm determination because I am now a fully formed adult who has the capabilities to take care of herself. I’m no longer that child who had no way to stand up to an adult. And, the most important part is – I trust that now. I trust myself now. So rage no longer needs to be my protector. I am my own protector. And when I say that, I mean ”I” with all the skills and tools I have learned through my journey of healing.

All these years, I was using rage to protect myself in this crazy business and to protect those I cared for. But putting out that kind intense energy as a protective field when I sensed danger, (real or just perceived) came at a cost. It depleted me. It also isolated me. After rage happens and I don’t mean violence, I just mean the energy and emotion of rage, there is a party called shame. And shame is unhealthy to have as well. Sure, we get what we want, people often give in to someone who is enraged. But it’s not worth all that comes with it.

The truth for me is that my own rage has helped me get to where I am in my lifr. I used the powerful emotion of rage to keep me going…you see when you use it on yourself, it becomes a fierce determination. It becomes a NO QUIT attitude, it becomes life or death that you will find your way to what you want, no matter the pain. And so you succeed because with that fight or flight intensity…. you will of course survive. I believe that’s what appears to be the good side of rage…you could call it as a form of courage. But even then, when you exist in fight or flight at all times, you deplete your life force – especially if you continuously use it on things that are not actually life threatening.

So, I have finally realized that rage no longer serves my life. She has been a dear friend and a protector when no one else was there for me. She has been a motivator to keep going when most would stop. She has given me strength beyond what I should have Had. And I am so grateful. But now as a 52-year-old adult, I have learned other ways to protect myself and my heart, and pursue my dreams. So, at 52, I would like to say thank you to my rage. Thank you for keeping me safe, for earning my father’s love, for protecting my fragile heart, for helping me towards my dreams. But it’s time for you to retire into a beautiful place and let go of your grip on me. I’m in control now of how I will react to things. I will use other ways to pave my path. I will allow the path to unfold as I create healthy boundaries that do not require rage to keep people a safe distance from me. I will flow with the events of my life and not fight them. I will learn to use my voice, my love, my compassion, and empathy instead. I have already begun the journey of life without rage, and It has been a long journey to let go of this once invaluable part of myself. And I look forward to how my life will unfold now.

I envision my rage now as a wild and powerful goddess. She’s a warrior with bloodied shields and matted dark hair, and stained body armor. And I see her now, finally getting of her wild horse, near a quiet stream. She slowly removes her armor and puts down her shield and swords… she kneels beside the river and washes away the blood of years of battle. She steps into the water, after removing all her cloaks and well used and duty armor and bathes away all the years of pain and fatigue. When she emerges from the waters, darker and muddier after her presence, she is made anew, a body without any wounds… and her skin glistens in all it’s beautiful femininity and vulnerability. She gently takes her tools of war and drys them off and puts them under a tree. She takes one last look at them, then slowly turns the other way, bare skin, completely nude and soaks in the sun and breathes in her new peaceful life as a peaceful goddess…a hint of a smile upon her lips as her eyes close and she lifts her chin ever so slightly towards the sun and walks away.

Have a beautiful day and thank you for sharing your time with me today, here at Carrie Ann Conversations.

With love,

Carrie Ann

I have an invisible illness.  Actually I have a few. 

Whether you believe it or not is of no concern of mine.

How you choose to interact with me is your business. 

How I react or respond to you, is mine.

And remember, while I may be sick, I am not weak. 

I am a courageous and compassionate warrior.

And everyday, I go to battle 

Fighting a war you could never understand.

Carrie Ann Inaba
“The Invisible Warrior”

Having autoimmune syndromes like Sjögren’s Syndrome or Fibromaylgia, or Lupus, or invisible illnesses like Iron Deficiency Anemia, Depression or Anxiety, does not make for an easy life.  Let’s just get that out of the way.  It’s hard enough to function in life without the added chronic fatigue, confusion, pain, discomfort and the daily inconveniences of the dry eyes, joint pain, difficulty swallowing, the reactions to the sun, and the sudden flooring exhaustion.

Not to mention there are also the effects of medications, whether it be swelling or weight gain or loss… or just the fear of what it might be doing to your system in the long run. 

They say that life is a bowl of cherries. But when you have autoimmune conditions, it becomes a universe of never ending challenges. However, according to the eastern philosophy of yin and yang, for every negative in life, there exists a positive and for every moment of darkness, there is light. And the more we can focus on the light, we will live in the light.  But it takes effort, determination, and courage to bask in that light and find the gifts.

The biggest gift of having autoimmune or any invisible health issues is that because of the strange and never ending rollercoaster of challenges that arise with each day, and the lack of understanding that often comes with these strange symptoms, from those around us, we feel isolated in our struggle.  I know that doesn’t sound like a positive, but in that isolation, we become the ONLY true expert.  We are the only one going through this struggle, the only one that can determine our pain level, and what works and what doesn’t.  The doctors are for information.  But decisions are our own.  Feeling the relief and the discomfort are ours to experience alone.  And we have to find ways to stand strong and become our own best advocate for our own health.  We become the expert on ourselves and we become the cheerleading team of one for our own healing.  We also become our most compassionate nurse.  And that comes from the fact that we are the only ones experiencing our reality and to get through it, we have to become the hero of our own life.  So that’s one of the best gifts that invisible illness has given me.  The opportunity to recognize with clarity that I am the hero of my own life. 

For years I tried to fight the fatigue, I tried to push through the pain, and I tried to ignore the discomfort. But eventually it becomes to much to ignore. And the reality is it can be debilitating. And in my journey, I had to make peace with that.

I had to surrender to my health and I had to let it “win”. Which at first made me feel like I had lost. And that was painful. I had never thought of myself as a loser. I was a winner, I worked hard and I fought for what I believed in and I usually always found a way. But that changed with the autoimmune conditions. I couldn’t “win” my battles with the pain or fatigue or any other part of it. So I surrendered. I decided to see myself as  a “sick person” a person with limitations.  It was a full redefinition of myself and how I interacted with the world.  I allowed myself to have all my emotions about it as well.  I was mad. I was sad. I was angry and frustrated. I felt sorry for myself. But mostly, I was scared.  I was frightened for my future and what would happen to my independence and career.

With the acceptance of my diagnosis, I started to live my life in ways to avoid causing any flare ups or panic attacks. Life became more of an avoiding of life than an actual life. And my life became very small. 

I lived like that for years. Afraid, and avoiding the things that could cause me pain and more pain. Which also meant I was avoiding life. I had to choose carefully what I wanted to do because any exertion or excitement would come at a price.  If I did something on a Monday, I knew I’d be out of commission for a few days after that. I was extremely grateful that I had my job on Dancing with the Stars because it was something I could do even when I was really struggling with my health. The schedule worked for me and I have always been so extremely grateful for that.  I know that some people lose their jobs when they get these conditions. I read about a woman who ran a huge corporation Like a BOSS. And who was reduced to barely being able to make coffee for herself with out needing to lay down. 

These limitations really challenge your self esteem. In a world that praises “succeess” and being busy, “getting things done” not being able to do what you want, when you want to, destroys self confidence, especially for those Type A personality types. But as I said earlier, there are some gifts that come with that as well.  

Once I recognized I had to let go of the image of being “able” and “strong” in the way I had been used to, I discovered new things about myself…And I learned how to actually accept myself in each moment as I was.  And sometimes that meant I was broken, in pain, confused, struggling, weak, and all these words I didn’t like to associate with. However, I made peace with all of these aspects of myself.  And I learned to accept all the different shades of myself.  I am all of these things and the health challenges put a spotlight on many of these characteristics i didn’t want to accept and forced me to become friends with them.  And for that I am grateful.  

Becoming the hero of my own life.

Accepting the parts of myself I didn’t want to and making peace with all sides of me.

These have become two of the greatest gifts of my health journey. And for these gifts, I am grateful. And it is my wish for you to find them as well in your journey if you struggle with health issues like mine.

I want to also share a list of some practical things I have learned along the way for my fellow Invisible Warriors out there.  I have received many requests for a list of the things I do to take care of myself.  So I have started a list. This is the beginning of this list.  i hope you find them helpful.  Remember, i am not a doctor.  And I’m not saying these will work for you.  They are just what I found that worked for me.  And I am sharing them with you to inspire you to find the choices that work for you.  Each journey is unique. 

I read every book and every article I could find about how these autoimmune conditions affect your life. I joined support groups and was studied the people who had already been down this path and had shared their stories. And I was and am still so grateful for the courage of those people who shared their stories.  That is why I share mine because when I heard of how others had struggled through their own diagnosis and found their new normal, I felt so much less alone and not crazy.  

• It took me a few years of constant experimenting and adjusting to find what worked for me….and I wanted to share some of the things that have helped me get to where I am now.

 You must be the last and final word in all health care choices. Your doctors, and specialists will hopefully give you good advice, and guidance, but remember, a lot of these doctors do not have the conditions they treat so they treat from an outsiders point of view. YOU are the one that must live with the consequences. You must be proactive in your treatment. You are the expert on you.

• You should avoid pain. I was taught after caring for my Mom and Dad, through their cancer treatments, that it is important to not get into a pain cycle. Especially for those with autoimmune conditions. If we get into a pain cycle our whole system may go into a flare up snd we all know THAT is not good. My approach to pain was always to kill it swiftly. My Spinal Stenosis caused tremendous pain those first few years. I’d have to get tons of steroid shots into my back and neck and shoulders to keep me going. But if I felt pain rising, I would take the prescribed pain medication and muscle relaxer the night the pain started and lay down with proper alignment and usually the pain would be gone on the morning. And then I would no longer need the pain medication.  

On occasions when I didn’t take anything and tried to brave the pain for a few days, it would always take longer to get out of the pain. So, my motto for pain was to honor it and get out of it as quick as possible. And by doing that, I was able to  avoid the risk of addition to the painkillers becauseI didn’t have to take them for extended periods of time.   This may not work for you and addiction is real so please be careful with any pain medication or any medications that could be habit forming. 

• When brain fog hits, let people close to you know. They can help and then if you are being “strange” they will not be upset with you.

Schedule rest. I always use a month view calendar so I can see everything all at once. It allows me to know my high exertion days and my peaceful days at a glance, and plan rest before and after high energy /exertion days. I usually know I can’t do too many high stress, high exertion days in row. If I do, I know I’ll need a few more days when it’s over to recooperate and find my way back into balance.

• Do not alienate your friends.  You will need them. And if they are your true friend, they will want to help you. You will also find out who your real friends are during this process and that too is a gift unto itself.  Also, for the people who tell you how you should manage your health, remind yourself that they probably could not walk a day in your shoes and forgive them for their lack of understanding.  They mean no harm, they just lack a certain understanding. As we ask for compassion from them, we must also give them compassion. 

These are my basic survival tips for living with the autoimmune conditions.

The trickiest thing about these autoimmune conditions is that they come in pairs or groups… and they are often ambiguous and don’t show up the same way every time. So you have to be fluid in the way to handle your wellness approach. You also have to keep checking in with yourself, and stay in tune with happening. It’s a true work in progress. And that is yet another gift. You start to notice YOU. You start to understand how what you do today can affect how you feel tomorrow. You are no longer going to push yourself to the point of exhaustion. You will create healthier boundaries and you will know your body better than you ever have. And that is part of the gift of the  autoimmune condition. You will pay attention to you and how the world affects you. Which will help you to create the best life possible.

There is so much more I will be writing on this topic, but I will end here today. Please share your comments below so that I may learn how some of you handle your health and wellness. Or, so I can see how you like the blogs I’m posting.

Thanks for being here with us today.

We all strive for balance.  It’s a new buzz word and in order to live our “best life”, it is often suggested that we find it or create it. We are made to feel bad if we are not “balanced”. However, I think the thought of creating balance just adds one more thing in our lives on our to-do list, adding to the “imbalance” or stress.  Today, I had this thought about balance, and I think that we are misunderstanding the concept.  Maybe instead of striving for balance, it’s about accepting that life has its own way of balancing things for us.  That balance is not a goal, but a naturally occurring flow that we all are experiencing at all times…that we actually constantly in the process of “balancing”.  

Personally, I take a lot of time for myself.  I am very quiet and I spend a lot of time alone, with my thoughts, my dreams, my philosophies, and my self.  I enjoy this time alone.  I am not lonely because I am with myself.  And, I actually enjoy my own company.    I also am on a daily talk show and every day at “The Talk”, I sit with my fellow co-hosts and we discuss and share our stories, thoughts, and perspectives.  I enjoy that so much as well, but I have found that since January of this year, which is when I joined the panel officially and have been there consistently, I have been taking more time for my own solitude when I can.  I protect it like a lioness protecting her cubs.  Because that is my balance.  I didn’t look at it from the outside, and say, oh, I’m spending this many hours being extroverted with my actions, and so, therefore, I must take this many hours to myself to be introverted to create my balance. I just noticed that I had a natural balance that felt right. And I allowed it to happen. I noticed my needs and I took care of them and ultimately my spirit and naturally, I found myself in balance. But it was a new balance, new homeostasis. And it seemed to happen on its own, without a lot of conscious effort on my part.  

When I tune into myself, I can tell what I need. I think we all can.  If I really listen to what my body and spirit need, it becomes very evident.  There are times when I don’t get the luxury of spending enough time alone – and guess what happens.  I get stressed out.  And when I do, I make more of an effort to create space for myself in my week because that feels better for me. I try not to add to the stress I am already feeling by needing to create balance right then and there. I don’t label myself as out of balance, but know that I am in the process of balancing… This is balance even though, in the moment, it doesn’t look “balanced”.  Like the scales, balance is fluid. The scales are not stuck in a perpetual state of “even-ness” or” levelness” – that is not balance. That is stagnation.  After one side of the scale goes up, it comes down, as one part rises, the other part lowers.  And all the while, it is in a constant state of balance, even if it is slightly or hugely uneven at any moment in time.  

I think somewhere we are being sold on the idea that the goal of balance is to live a life like a scale that doesn’t move, that doesn’t flow, that we must be in perfection with both sides level and even at all times, that we must be “balanced”.  This actually can cause more stress and more tension which I don’t think any of us need.  What if balance as a concept is more about accepting the temporary nature of things, realizing we are in a constantly shifting state of “balanc-ing”. And that state balancing, of constantly shifting and adjusting and allowing is more about noticing ourselves and how we are feeling…less about trying to impose balance upon ourselves.  It seems to me that balance is about noticing how life balances things out when we are heading one way or another.  And remember that it’s already in balance when we have our down days or our up days – that both are part of the balance, both are necessary for the yin and yang.  After the up days, there will certainly be down days, and after the down days, there will certainly be up days.  And that is the balance that is always at work in our lives.  That the up can only be noticed after the down and vice versa.  

So today, let’s accept the balance that is already present in our lives instead of making it a goal.  Let us notice where we are in the continuum of balance, and life, and how we are feeling at this moment.  For much of the joy of life comes from noticing where we are, and truly being present for all that comes with this moment,  and allowing our gratitude to flow, remembering that we are already in balance. 

2020 is here! It’s January 2nd, 2020 and this year is coming at us quickly with lots of energy. Can you feel it? I certainly can. Not only is it a new year, but it’s also a new decade and I believe it’s going to be an important one. It’s a decade for change, evolution, growth, and love. It’s a time for true connection and a release of anything that is weighing us down or holding us back. It’s a time to heal the wounds of our souls and step into our fullest self. It’s a time to do the work so that we can live that life we have always felt we deserved to live. You know, that life that we see when we are sitting at our kitchen table, daydreaming while drinking our coffee or tea… that life we have glimpses of when we are taking a shower or a long hot bath, that life we dream of where we are vibrantly alive, doing the things we love – and loving the things we are doing with people we love and who love us as well.

Yes! Yes! That life…That’s what I want. That’s what we all want. But how do we get there?

Even though it feels possible in certain moments, in more moments it feels far away, almost impossible from where our feet are currently lodged in the sand. Or maybe for some of you, you feel close but can’t quite unlock that last door, or find your way through that last path… you feel great in most aspects of your life but not in all. Well, I’m not trying to say we can have a life that is without struggle 24 /7. But I am saying we can be living that life we dream of where we are at our fullest potential, if we are willing to do the work. But what is the work? This is the question of the decade.

For each one of us, the work will be different, but I want to share with you from a fellow human being who is also on her own journey, what I have learned and what I am still in the process of learning. Let me say that again, I am IN THE PROCESS OF LEARNING and DO NOT KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS. I can only share what I am learning with you in hopes that it will spark something in you that will help you find your own answers. Because we are in this together… and I stress the word together. Yet, we each must also do our own work within ourselves. And while that can make us feel alone it actually will bring us more connected to each other.

So, let’s get started:

One of the most important things we need to do on a consistent basis is to take what I call, “A Moment of Me.”

Take time for you. Everyday. Even if it is only for 5-15 minutes. You are the key to your own happiness. This means you need to be with you for a few minutes each day to check in and see how you are doing. You have to be your own best friend in this process of life. In this day and age with ever increasing demands on our time and more stimulus than we can handle, we need to stop and listen and check in with ourselves. No input from outside sources, no demands from outside sources. Just you and you. How else will we know what is going on inside of us? How will we know if we are hurting or happy? Scared or angry? At peace or in turmoil? If we keep moving, and just doing with out consciously knowing what is going on inside of us, we will probably just react to the things around us. And if we are only reacting to the world around us, then we are not creating anything and are certainly not creating that life we want.

There are many ways to take a Moment of Me. Meditation is one of the ways to do it. But, if you are not into meditation, try this…

Maybe while you have your morning coffee or tea, or even before that, or right before you go to bed, maybe you step outside onto your front porch, or in your back yard, or go back upstairs and sit by the window… and ask yourself, how are you doing? Say it out loud, “Hi Me.. just want to check-in and see how you are doing”. Continue with, “Is there anything i can do for you to make you feel better, safer, more loved? ” This is just an example, remember, this is about you and you have to find what works for you, these are just suggestions. Set a timer if you are on a tight schedule. Now, once you’ve asked yourself, this or set an intention for your Moment of Me, just be. Be with yourself, breathe and be open to your thoughts, let them pass, let your mind go blank, let your body relax… notice what is going on, notice the aches and pains from a body that works hard to get you through the day.. or notice the fatigue, or the nervousness, or just feel the love…and allow the messages to come through. You may find nothing really comes up or you may find you have been in need of a cry and you might find yourself tearing up. You may suddenly realize you are angry or upset about someone. Just observe… and send yourself some loving energy, or send the person you are upset with loving energy. You may just draw a blank… you may see and or feel nothing, but by pausing, you are healing yourself. Because you are giving yourself the gift of a moment with yourself and the gift of your own presence and attention are a gift that keeps on giving.

Other ways to take your moment would be to go for a walk, take a long bath, sit where you are and close your eyes. If you live in a house with a lot of people, maybe make a project day where you all make a pretty Do Not Disturb sign and you put it up, outside the bathroom and you can all use this sign when you need it, and you all honor when someone has the sign up. Remember, we all need time and space and we need to respect those boundaries in ourselves and each other.

To be honest, I fell off the Moment of Me bandwagon over the last few weeks with the holidays and my busy schedule. And it caused a lot of turmoil in my relationships with others. I started to react to things around me because I was unaware of what I was feeling inside. And those emotions started to run amok and create havoc. Like little children who want to be seen, who act out because they don’t know what else to do? Well, that’s what I was doing. So, I am with you in this journey. And this is also a gentle reminder for me to take my “Moment of Me” everyday.

So, for me what I am back doing is a 30-minute meditation. I have a few different ones I do but a friend of mine and an amazing healer friend of mine Eric Nies just shared with me a meditation he is doing and it feels right for me, so this is what I will be doing for my “Moment of Me’. And while i just started back up yesterday, already, I feel more grounded and aware, clearer with my boundaries. I am more aware of what is going on inside of me, and somehow, I feel more neutral. And that makes my day much better for me and those around me. ( I want to also share that for the past year I have been doing a Kriya yoga meditation that involved visualization of my chakras and that has also done really well for me as well so remember, how you take your “Moment of Me” can change as long as you stay consistent. Consistency is really the key here.

A daily practice of your “A Moment of Me” will go a long way. I promise. Take the next few days to find what works for you and create the space to implement this in your life. I promise I will do the same. Let’s all do the work to take care of ourselves and find our way to our fullest lives in 2020. I want this for you all and I want this for me. I want this for all of us so let’s do it together.

My next blog will have more on how to “do the work” to live our most fulfilling life. And thoughts on other things to help in ways that I can. I hope you will join me be a part of the Carrie Ann Conversations Community. I would appreciate your presence very much.

Please take moment to share your thoughts, questions and how you take your moment of me so we can work together to make our own and each others lives better.

Today I want to talk about getting out of your head and into that life you are creating for 2020. Last week’s blog talked about remembering to take” A Moment of Me” everyday. Making sure we take time to look inward and get in touch with ourselves whether it be through meditation, or just a short inner dialogue where we check in with ourselves. This is helpful to a happy life, to intentionally take inventory on how you are actually feeling, or what your concerns are. To know where you really stand and how you are really doing is a helpful habit indeed. If you actually set aside the time to check in with yourself daily, then you don’t have to be in your head for the rest of the day and you can have a more effective day.

Now, I want to be clear and say that while it’s good to check in, don’t get stuck in your mind. Going too far inward, and only focusing on your thoughts, emotions, and your life can be problematic. It’s unhealthy. Ask Eckhart Tolle the author of “The Power of Now”, who encourages us to realize that we only have the present moment in life and anytime we are thinking about something in the past or in the future we are not actually living a fulfilling life. His book has sold over 2 million copies worldwide and has been translated into over 30 languages. I know he’s right but I still over think so this blog post applies to me as well.

Ruminating can be a life and joy stealer. When you take too much time thinking about things and not enough time doing things, your mind can start to play tricks on you. It brings you down. Also, when you are ruminating or over thinking, you are not actually in the present moment. What could you possibly be doing well if you are in your head as you do it, thinking about something else. This is why I love and appreciate my jobs so much. Both of my jobs require me to be completely in the moment. My job as a judge on “Dancing with the Stars” requires me to stay present, I have to be completely attentive to the dance as it’s happening in order to give feedback in a way that is helpful to the contestant. If I am distracted in my mind, I could miss a step or a mistake or something important and trust me, if I don’t judge well, I will hear about it. My job at “The Talk” also requires me to stay present because I moderate the talk block where we discuss the various current events at the top of the show and . In order to make sure we get to commercial on time and stay on topic and be sure a fair opinion has been brought out, I have to listen to my fellow hosts very carefully, and also listen to the executive producer who is giving me timing cues and other direction as it’s happening. There is a lot going on and if I am stuck in my own thoughts, I will get lost and I will miss something. I have to be 100% present, clear mind, and 100% in the moment. Look it’s a generally good rule of thumb that in any conversation, whether you are on television or not, you want to be present and listen so you can interact gracefully with what is being talked about. This is also why dancing was such a good creative outlet for me and my overthinking tendencies. Dancing forced me to be 100 percent in the moment. In order to dance at all, you must let go of your mind and listen to the music and connect with your body and the choreography or just your emotions if you are doing freestyle. I’m so grateful that my career has always provided me with opportunities to be 100% in the moment. I think I’m happiest when I’m working. Or maybe more accurately I could say that I’m happier when I’m 100% in the moment and not over thinking which has been proven to not be a good thing for our mental health and longevity.

There was a study done at University of Exeter Medical School, and it found that people who volunteered their time for various causes were less depressed and had greater well being and life satisfaction than people who didn’t. The study also found that people who volunteered their time lived longer lives. These people were not ruminating or thinking about their life and problems when they were volunteering. They were out in the world doing things for others. Focusing on others and helping others helps you because it forces you to go beyond yourself. It also gives you a greater perspective and a more realistic one than the one your mind paints for you when you are in a brain swirl on your sofa. When you are too much in your mind, you can get lost in a vast and hard to escape world.

I’ll admit that I get in my head when it comes to matters of the heart. My mind likes to dissect, understand, and clarify. Perhaps because I am not as confident in love as I am in other areas of my life. I’ve had a lot of relationships that didn’t end up being the everlasting love I had hoped for. I’ve had a lot of hurt in the area of love, so many disappointments. So maybe because of that, I’m even more in my head instead of being in my heart. (Which I lam learning has never served me). In business and in creativity, or choreography, it often takes a lot of thinking and planning and trying to understand things before they are a problem, and seeing connections between things that are not yet there, or not physically present. It takes a lot of mind work. And I’m good at that. I love doing it. It comes very natural for me. But in love, it’s very different, it’s the complete opposite, and just staying in the now, accepting what is and not over thinking is how it works best. After all, it’s called “Love”, not “Thinking”. But how do we do this if we are naturally a busy minded individual?

Here are a few suggestions to try.

When triggered into a mind fest, where your mind starts to spin in circles and gets stuck on a repetitive thought, like “Does he love me?” “What does this mean?” or “Will this happen or not happen?” “Why did they say that to me?” My first suggestion is to scratch that record in your mind and get up and move. Literally, get up and move your body. Stand up, stretch, shake your limbs and take a deep breath. Like when a dog gets into a tustle with another dog, they often get all aggressive then they will shake it off and get back to life. This is a good technique for humans too. Sometimes making a loud sound can shift your brain away from the toxic thinking as well. Another easy trick is to wash your hands. When you wash your hands, you have to focus on what you are doing and that will take you out of your mind and then while you are out of there, keep going and be productive.

Another way to stay out of your mind is to work out, as I said earlier, dancing is a good one because you have to listen to the music and move to the music so there is little time to think.

Any sort of cardio exercise to music is good, the music keeps you moving at a certain tempo as well. Yoga is a great way to escape the mind. In my yoga class we sing at the beginning of each class and that is also another way to get out of your mind When you feel yourself slipping into a tornado of thoughts, turn on your Alexa or and play some fun sing along music and sing yourself out of your mind.

Reading is yet another activity that takes you out of thinking. And, you get the added bonus of learning new things and hearing new perspectives – so next time you end up over thinking you will have new material to throw in the mix and that would probably be a good bonus don’t you think? Here’s one of my favorite, “The Daily Om ” by Madisyn Taylor.

I’m sure there are many more ways to stay out of your monkey mind. I hope you will remember that one of them is to take a moment to get in there so that you don’t have to do it all day. When you consciously take “a Moment of Me” then you can enjoy the rest of your day without thinking or pondering because you’ve done it. But if you get stuck, try one of the things I suggested or, please share below what you do to get out of your mind. I’m sure you have some great ideas as well.

Thanks for reading and stay tuned because I’m also hard at work putting together the Carrie Ann Conversations Podcast… (it’s just another way for me to stay out of my own way.) I hope you will enjoy it when it goes live.

Have a blessed and beautiful day.

And thanks for taking the time to be here.

Love,

Carrie Ann

Today I sit in stillness out in my backyard with my animals filled with great peace. At this moment, I am alone, but I am not lonely. I feel a strong connection to myself and to the world around me. It was not long ago, that the connection I felt to the world around me left me feeling overwhelmed or uncertain. I suffered panic attacks then. But today, I can notice that this is no longer the case and I am grateful. Life sure is a journey. It is filled with ups and downs and then more ups and downs…and just when you think you’ve gone as far down as you can, you realize there is a basement you haven’t even visited yet. I say this, with a smile on my lips and a chuckle in my heart because I know these things well. I have had my fair share of experiences that could be considered “down”. But as I sit here, in silence with myself and the sounds of the wind chimes blowing in the breeze, I feel only gratitude for every pain and suffering I have experienced because to feel this peace is worth every ounce of the struggle. To feel content was worth every moment of loneliness. To feel joy was worth every heart-aching tear. It kind of makes me realize that the painful moments weren’t actually over until the peace finally came, and when that happened, those “painful moments” were no longer painful, but transitory and temporary and part of the larger picture.  

I can’t say I know what any of you have been through in your own lives… but I can almost guess that we are similar. I can guess that you have also struggled. That you have also had your fair share of the ups and downs. We all have our ups and downs. It is part of the human condition. We don’t know each other’s experiences, nor can we. All we can do as humans is to listen to others express their own experiences and share our own experiences in an attempt to find a common ground to connect. When you can’t connect with others, you will feel alone, and this is an “alone” that can lead to loneliness. When we can’t make connections to others in healthy ways, we feel discarded and we feel unworthy. All these feelings can get very heavy. And in this world where we are already overstimulated and overwhelmed, that heaviness quickly can spiral into negativity. What can we do about it? I wish I knew the answers. All I know is that in these tumultuous times, where we seem to be experiencing greater divides than ever, if we shift what we focus on, to our commonalities, perhaps we can find connection, which could, in turn, lead to some emotional relief in our own heart centers. And this could maybe help us have more energy to focus on solutions to our differences. I know this is a tricky concept, I hope I can do it justice.  

We are all different – having completely different experiences. Let’s call it “uniqueness”. We are all unique with our own unique experiences. If we use our minds and faculties to focus on our differences, the space between us as individuals gets larger… And our ability to connect to each other gets more challenged. If we use our minds and hearts to find ways to find connection to each other, I believe it will help us solve some of the problems that we are experiencing because of the things we call “differences”. By finding a connection between you and someone who is not like you, you are able to tap into compassion, and it forces you to use your empathy and your brain, to find a common thread. (It can be as simple as just saying to yourself, “This person is struggling too.”) Whether it is in personal relationships or in business transactions, we are all after all, human. So we really do have a lot in common. If we do this, then we focus on ways to connect rather than ways to disconnect from each other. And then we can use the energy we save by not being as upset, or creating walls, to solve problems. Because it is true that we are different as well a being similar. ( Are you following me?) And in order of us to evolve instead of destroy each other, we need to remember acknowledge both our similarities and our difference. Learning about where we are different from each other helps us grow. For instance, I learn when I read about another person’s approach to life that is different than mine. If I look at someone’s experience that is different than mine, who used different methods to solve a problem, or create a business, or look at life, then I can learn. But if I think of that person as so different than I, I won’t really be able to use that knowledge and apply it to me, because I think I am so different. Conversely, if I use the energy to find a common ground, i.e., that we are both human, or that we are both wanting to make good business in the world, or want to examine life with passion, or solve a similar problem, then when I read their viewpoint, even if it is different than mine, I can learn from it and apply it. It starts for me with a connection. This is how I try to live. Without finding the connection between us before we look at differences, then we can use the differences to create a divide between us. When we look at someone and immediately choose to see “different” then we have no need to have further interaction, no need to go closer. If we choose to see similar, ( No matter how different they appear on the outside), then we can get closer and their differences become a way for us to learn and expand our own selves beyond our preset limitations. We see so many examples of people choosing to see differences and pushing away from each other. It is sad. Heartbreaking actually. As a race, the human race, it’s sad to see us breaking into pieces. If we choose to use our mind – our incredible intellect, and wisdom, our intuition, and our gifts of cognition to diligently track down places of commonalities, places where we are similar, and use that as a bridge to connect to others, we might find that the world becomes a place were we are connected to each other. It opens our hearts and minds for healthy expansion via connection. It decreases the feelings of loneliness, which in turn could make us more responsible for things beyond our immediate and selfish needs. This equals better community.

If I am sitting at a bus stop with a homeless person who is crying and screaming profanities and scaring everyone around us. Instead of thinking, they are dangerous or “crazy”. I try to think about how they are feeling. They must be pretty sad, they must be really frustrated with someone or something. How would I feel if I were in their shoes? Asking these types of questions helps me to understand instead of reacting. I don’t have to get in their way, I don’t even have to engage with them. But I have connected to them. I have tried to step into their shoes for a minute to gain understanding. It helps because when I leave the situation, I feel less assaulted by their actions. I feel more compassion and more connection which in turn could lead to me going home and reaching out to a homeless shelter to volunteer or donate some of the clothes I have at home that I don’t need, for those who have much less and who are struggling with their daily needs. If I chose the other way to handle it, which is to see this person as someone very separate from me… with nothing in common, then I might just be irritated that this person has come into my space and violated the energy with their loudness and harsh words. And then, I walk away from the situation irritated and upset – upset that my day was ruined by this “crazy” homeless person.

The truth is, we don’t know each other’s sufferings. We can’t. We can only know our own. What we can do for others who are suffering is to show up with compassion and a desire to understand. We can share our own experiences in hopes that a bridge is created between two souls. A bridge that can inspire trust. And hopefully from that trust, a garden of understanding can start to grow. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Life has been busier than usual for me over the last few weeks. Accepting and facing up to life’s emotional and physical challenges can be quite invigorating. From preparing for and hosting Miss America 2019, to launching some new projects, and ramping up for the new season of Dancing With The Stars, I have been a busy woman on the go.

Yet, as with most situations where demands and expectations are high (whether from the world out there or from within our own selves), life’s challenges can be draining and can leave us feeling like our batteries need recharging.

Hosting Miss America 2019. Photo by Donald Kravitz for Getty Images

On stage with Nia Franklin, Miss America 2019. Photo by Donald Kravitz for Getty Images

I know many of us in this public space who use online social media sites tend to use these new media platforms mainly to share the ‘positives’ in our lives. We rarely if ever ‘post’, blog, or dish about life behind the pretty scenes and the postcard moments, where stress and tension is real, and low energy moments are part of the story. But the truth is, energy management is something I think we all struggle with at times, especially in this day and age where we are inundated with so much information coming at us in so many ways. Keeping up with it all can feel like a part-time job. We are living in a time where we have our television screens, our computer screens, our iPhones and iPads and Androids (so I don’t seem too biased to Mac and Apple), and mobile devices and tablets, and so many other ways to get information. Information is coming at us from everywhere, in every direction. I think we are not even aware of how much energy we exert each day filtering and processing all of the information, not to mention the energy required simply by living our day-to-day lives.

Announcing the season 27 cast of Dancing With The Starts live on Good Morning America

I remember a time not so long ago when we didn’t have so much access. A time when we played outside with friends until the sun went down, or when we might choose to crack open a new book during a 30 minutes break during our day or before falling asleep at night. Like it or not, those days seem to be fewer now than in years past. With new technology infiltrating our lives, we have gotten more and more attached to the digital display screens that surround us. It almost feels like we continue to evolve as technology evolves, and with the impact of shifting technology on our lives, we might be better off to find healthy ways to adapt to the changing world around us.

Backstage at Dancing With The Stars

Backstage at The Talk

So I find myself thinking about these things. How do we re-energize ourselves? How do we take breaks from all of this energy and information that floats by us every day, at all hours of the day? Sometimes even, it feels as if it is aggressively attacking us, similar to the feeling of walking into a swarm of angry bees. I have a sense that people are looking for answers and even finding new ways to manage the buzz of information surrounding us. As we review the changing landscape of life in this digital era, I think we will find there are many ways to cope with the buzzing swarm of information overload and our drained batteries.

Today, I want to share some of my processes. One of the ways I cope with the challenges of life in the age of always-on digital information is journaling. The practice of journaling has become a habit that I use to detach from the many digital screens and take time for myself to release, reflect, and recharge my inner-spirit, and my mental, emotional, and physical batteries with it. Diet Eman, author of “THINGS WE COULDN’T SAY” says this about the process of writing, “This pouring thoughts out on paper has relieved me. I feel better and full of confidence and resolution.” Personally, I agree wholeheartedly with this sentiment, as I have found it to be true in my own life. And while there are times when journaling by itself is not enough to make my problems go away, I usually feel a bit lighter and clearer after writing, which helps me move through my day with much more ease.

My Method:

I sit out in my backyard with my animals at least twice a day. Once in the morning and once in the evening. I don’t read anything. I just sit and think, and then I write. Sometimes I type; sometimes I write with a pen. My favorite pen is a Pilot G-2 1.0 or 0.7. For me it matters what pen I write with … somehow, for some reason, it just seems to flow better. Journaling is a way for me to reset my energy and create space in my life. I pour out the things that are swirling around in my mind, needing a voice, needing to be seen and heard by my own innermost self. And by doing so, through pouring out my thoughts and feelings and emotions buzzing around my mind, I clear out some of the clutter in there. I don’t mean clutter in the sense of the word to mean “junk”, but rather I simply release some of the things I am holding onto into my own universe – facts, thoughts, images, questions, ponderings – and I share that swirling inner universe within myself, releasing it in an outward manner.

Perhaps doing this is similar to the idea of making lists before you go to bed. If you make a list of the things you want to do, you create a little more space in your mind so you don’t have to hold on to the thoughts. For instance, when I write my emotions, thoughts, random sentences, songs titles, lyrics, or whatever floats through my mind, I clear space for myself to have a greater capacity to accept and process whatever life may throw at me in the day ahead. Sometimes, I just make lists of things I’m happy about, or sad about, or grateful for … Or I just describe my emotions. I suppose I like to change it up. Sometimes I may only write three sentences. Sometimes I finish 10 pages without even realizing it. I have no rules about journaling. I just know that when my energy feels stretched it is a tool I use in life, it is a part of my process, and it helps me to flow.

My journal

I encourage you all to try a bit of journaling. Make it your own process, give it a bit of ritual, light a candle, grab a glass of wine, turn on your favorite classical music (I prefer a Keith Jarrett), and I hope you enjoy yourself in the process.