You might think of personality tests as a way to find deeper meaning within, or learn more about those closest to you. While these are both true, your Myers Briggs type isn’t just useful for learning more about yourself; equally importantly, it can also help you find the perfect winter accessory to add to your collection this year. That’s right; for every virtue, vice, or deep-seated strength your Myers Briggs type can reveal about you, it can also show you the hat, scarf, or other winter accessory that is calling to the deepest part of your psyche. I love the Myers Briggs not just as a tool for deeper understanding, but also as a way to have a little fun, and I hope you feel the same!
So, without further ado, here’s the winter accessory you should seriously consider adding to your collection this year based on your personality type.
Sensitive, spontaneous and unique, you love your music as much as you love a quiet walk in the snow. These earmuffs will keep you warm while you’re carefully curating the soundtrack to your life.
As an INFP type on the Myers Briggs, you’ve got a rich inner world and are happiest with some time and space to yourself. Nothing will manifest the feeling of being in your own cozy little space better than a gigantic fluffy scarf like this one.
Spend hours getting excited about how nobody knows what you could have in your secret scarf pocket and stashing random things in it. Realize hours later that, while you have a pack of gum, a cool rock you found, and a magic trick of some kind, you forgot to actually bring your money, phone, or any form of ID. Do not allow this to ruin your moment.
Is having an electric blanket for your car overkill? Only if you’ve got something against being warm and cozy. As a Myers Briggs type, ENFJs are nurturing, organized, and not afraid to go big when it comes to comfort. Plus, you’ll be more than happy to share when your loved ones inevitably want to get in on the car coziness.
You’re as passionate as you are committed to your personal style, which means that if you’re staying inside until spring then at least it’s going to be cute.
As an ISTJ type on the Myers Briggs, you have never once been disappointed to receive socks as a gift. That’s because you see socks as the treasure that they are: lifesaving, toe warming comforts that help you get through the day. These thick, warm wool socks in different patterns will be the perfect addition to your winter sock collection.
You’d rather freeze to death than get involved in whatever thermostat politics there are in your house or workplace; luckily now there’s another option! The perfect solution for even the most noncommittal of ISTPs, this little space heater can be there when you need it and is small enough to put away whenever you don’t.
In the Myers Briggs, ESFJs are highly passionate and detail oriented; there’s no one who appreciates a matching set like you. You love finding a concept and executing it almost as much as you like it when things match, and with this set you’re going to make this winter be the most perfect winter yet.
You are serious about your resting time; when it’s time for you to clock out you can’t wait to throw on your comfiest sweats and hibernate. Upgrade your normal loungewear for the chilly months with these fleece-lined joggers.
As an ENTJ type on the Myers Briggs, you like to keep your tech close, whether it’s to document your friends having fun or respond to a work email in record time. These gloves keep you in the know while also saving you from frostbite.
Thoughtful and responsible, if there’s a simple way to make life easier, you want to know about it. You’ll love the relief of having this device to give you a little warmth whenever you need it, and you can give your (less well prepared) friends’ phones a charge at the same time!
Whether it’s planning weekend ski trips, salting the driveway or fixing the boiler, you’re the Myers Briggs type who keeps things running in the winter and you certainly can’t do that without a hot cup of coffee available to you at all times. This mug will keep your beverage warm for hours and you can take it with you wherever your missions call you.
If you’re going to defend the title of Ultimate Snowball Fight Champion that you’ve held your entire life, you’re going to need a good pair of waterproof gloves on your side.
ESFPs have a knack for style and always find themselves attracted to the classics. This elegant faux fur piece will have you channeling Audrey well into the New Year.
Because your Myers Briggs type is known as The Investigator, you might think this recommendation is a reference to your Sherlock Holmes roots. Actually, it’s because I know how much you hate being bothered by strangers, and these massive ear flaps give you all the plausibility you need to pretend you can’t hear anyone who tries to speak to you against your will while you’re out grocery shopping.
These charging thermal socks will be sure to come in handy the next time you underestimate a hike or go on an impromptu camping trip, keeping you warm the entire time you insist you’re reading the trail markers correctly.
While your Myers Briggs type can tell you so many important things about your deepest, truest self, it doesn’t always have to be serious! Some days your four letters might point you towards a struggle to overcome or a trait to appreciate, but they can also be used to highlight the fun things as well. I hope that today the Myers Briggs has brought you closer to the perfect winter accessory for you.
I’ve had a lot of people ask me over the years why I spend so much time talking, thinking and reading about the Enneagram personality test. I know it seems intimidating at first, or you might think it must be overly simplistic if it can fit every person into 9 boxes. But the truth is that the Enneagram is one of the best tools I’ve ever found for understanding myself and knowing my friends and family better. In short: if you love people, you’ll love the Enneagram.
When you start reading descriptions of the nine Enneagram types, you’ll quickly start to recognize your own friends in the words. “Sacrificial to a fault,” or “can find common ground with anyone” or “needs plenty of alone time to study and read.” We all know people in our lives that fit these descriptions. People can be so hard to understand sometimes, even (and sometimes especially) the ones you’re close to, and the Enneagram is there to help you bridge those gaps. I know that my Mediator (or Type 9) friends are more likely to repress their opinions and feelings so I make sure to create space for them to feel heard. I know not to take it personally when my Observer (Type 5) friends need time, space and quiet to recharge. And I know to take it easy on my Perfectionist (Type 1) friends for wanting certain things “just so.” I also know that, as a Type 6 or Loyalist, I’m more likely to overthink, anticipate negative outcomes, or worry about the intentions of those close to me, and now that I know those things about myself it’s become increasingly easier to not let those instincts dominate my life.
How the Enneagram Informs Relationships
At its root, the Enneagram is for understanding the different needs and perspectives that make people who they are. I use the Enneagram every day to improve communication and strengthen relationships by looking at how it informs peoples’ needs, insecurities, and potential sources of conflict. Every Enneagram type has strengths and weaknesses, and it’s so illuminating to be aware of both.
Read below to learn more about the 9 Enneagram types and how to have the best relationship with each one.
Type 1: The Perfectionist
Type 1s are born knowing there is a right way to do everything and, as luck would have it, their way is the right one every time. Type 1s tend to have a lot of rules, and prefer to see the world in shades of black and white. Their strong moral core combined with this uncompromising approach to life might cause friction with types who are more ambiguous or nebulous, and the confusion is mutual. If you’ve ever met someone who has an organizer for their organizers, that person is a Type 1.
Needs
Overall, Type 1s need order, cleanliness and for everything to be right. Because their understanding of “right” is so absolute, it can stress them out if they’re anywhere near someone doing something wrong. When you’re in a Type 1’s space, you need to respect that everything is in a certain place for a reason, and follow any rules or boundaries they set up carefully because they’re important. Whether it’s a shoes off rule or a certain system for deciding who gets to pick the movie, any system that a Type 1 has constructed is important for them to maintain their version of order.
Insecurities
Every type on the Enneagram has a central need, and because of this they also each have their own unspoken fears. For Type 1s, this fear is that they’ll never be good enough. You might think they have high expectations for others, but those are nothing compared to the expectations they have for themselves. The fatal flaw with pursuing perfection all the time is that you might trick yourself into thinking you can attain it, making each failure or shortcoming sting even more.
If you love a Type 1, be aware of their inner critic. If they sound disappointed in the outcome of a project or pursuit, it’s important to affirm the effort and let them know their value exists regardless of their achievements. Make sure your critiques are loving and solution-oriented so they don’t feed the common Type 1 perception that failure makes them unworthy of love.
Potential Sources of Conflict
Because Type 1s can be uncompromising, it’s easy to drift into disagreements over even minor things. You might notice they always put the remotes back in the same spot, or correct your method of cleaning even if yours feels adequate to you. If these things aren’t particularly important to you, I’d suggest just letting the 1 do what they feel is right, but don’t be afraid to voice how you feel. Type 1s want to be good at relationships the same way they want to be good at everything else, so calmly approaching them with a problem and asking them to solve it with you will usually yield good results.
Type 2: The Helper
Enneagram type 2s are interesting for a lot of reasons. You could describe them as the kindest, most selfless type in the Enneagram, and in a way you’d be right. Type 2s have an almost supernatural ability to read the people around them, identifying their needs and accommodating them in ways that might go completely unnoticed. 2s are the ones that will volunteer to drive your cousin’s girlfriend’s roommate to the airport at 6am, insisting the entire time that it’s no big deal. In some ways, 2s thrive on connection more than any other type; they value relationships above everything else, but this emphasis can also put them in some tight spots if it’s not handled healthily.
Deep down, a Type 2 has a fear that if nobody needed them, then nobody would want them around. This is what drives them to (sometimes insane) lengths to prove to others how valuable they can be. 2s use reciprocation as a measuring stick, sometimes on an extremely minute level, to help them make sense of their place in the world, which is why it’s so important to treat them as they treat others: with kindness and attentiveness.
Potential Sources of Conflict
Because 2s are so good at anticipating needs, they can make it very hard to reciprocate. “I don’t want to be a burden,” is a common Type 2 catchphrase; they worry that taking instead of giving will exhaust those around them. Ironically, often reciprocation is the exact thing 2s are looking for, even if they can’t let themselves admit it. If you find your Type 2 sulking after a milestone that they insisted they didn’t want to make a big deal out of, it’s likely they secretly did, very much, want to make a big deal out of it and just couldn’t communicate it for fear of rejection. The easiest way to avoid these conflict sand traps is by making it clear that your love won’t vanish the second your Type 2 needs help or can’t provide a service to you. Making a 2 feel safe that they’re valued no matter what should always be a priority; make it clear that speaking their needs is both important and helpful to you as a friend or partner.
Type 3: The Achiever
The definition of a social chameleon, Type 3s like to read their surroundings and figure out the best way to shine. 3s are driven by success and achievement, but this can take so many forms. Type 3s turn up different facets of their personalities to becomethe embodiment of success wherever they find themselves. In professional settings, this makes them driven ladder climbers and excellent networkers who dominate their goals. In social settings you’ll often find the 3 at the center of the action, absolutely sparkling as they share the perfect anecdote or offer a well-timed quip. 3s are often one of the most goal-oriented types, always pursuing personal betterment and evolution with a laser focus.
Needs
Because 3s tend to define success by what others think it is, they can often lose track of their inner needs and desires in favor of the perceptions of those around them. It’s easy for a 3 to get so caught up in projecting different versions of themselves that they forget their truest form, or start to think it’s unimportant. A 3’s drive to both appear and be successful can overshadow every other one of their other needs and can make them avoid vulnerability or owning up to mistakes or missteps.
Insecurities
Enneagram Type 3s are often focused on output and appearances and it can be easy for them to think that they’re only as good as their last success. This type can have workaholic tendencies and can have a hard time making space for anything that doesn’t fit into their 5 year plan. This can lead them to neglect relationships or self care, especially when it comes to resting and relaxation.
Potential Sources of Conflict
Because 3s are naturals at editing themselves to suit their surroundings, this tendency can also show up in conflict. A 3 might be averse to apologizing because it forces them to admit they made a mistake, something that goes against everything they work for. They don’t like to linger in uncomfortable conflict, especially if it’s the result of a mistake they made; they would rather “edit” the record so that this mistake never happened. Getting a 3 to sit down and own up to their part in an argument can be a tall order. One way to soften a 3’s editing reflex is to start a conversation with positive affirmations and reminders of things they’re good at before addressing your problem.
Type 4: The Romantic
If you have a friend who always says they feel they’re destined to be famous (or to die young), then congratulations: you know a Type 4. 4s define themselves by their uniqueness and individuality; more than any other type a 4 believes they are set apart in some way from everyone else on earth. This pursuit of individuality shows up all over a Type 4’s life: they tend to be very creative in their free time, pick up eclectic hobbies, listen to bands nobody’s ever heard of, and put thought and care into every wardrobe decision. 4s also tend to be extremely connected to their inner emotions; they generally have no problem getting deep or vulnerable and expect their openness to be matched by their partners and loved ones.
Needs
Type 4s need to feel special and unique, and they also want to feel affirmed in that individuality. They feel the need to define themselves and their personal style in everything they do, separating themselves from the rest of the world with every choice they make. Type 4s work overtime to make sure every moment sparkles with joy or is at least cinematically tragic; they are allergic to appearing ordinary or being forced to experience the mundane.
Insecurities
Because Type 4s are so in touch with their emotions, don’t shy away from negative feelings and define themselves by their separation from others, it’s easy for them to get wrapped in melancholy or loneliness. They feel things very deeply and can rankle at anyone who tries to discount their reactions as “over the top.” 4s spend a lot of time daydreaming and idealizing; this is a trait that can be very charming but can also keep them from being present to enjoy the things that are right in front of them.
Potential Sources of Conflict
Because 4s tend to stay in touch with their emotions, conflicts can quickly turn dramatic or melancholic without much prodding. Most 4s have an underlying sense that they’re separate from everyone else, so it’s easy for them to believe that a small disagreement today will lead to a huge, irresolvable conflict someday in the future. 4s can have a strong fear of abandonment and they carry their deepest emotions close to the surface, meaning that even a minor disagreement might unlock some powerful feelings for them. A Type 4 is predisposed to feeling misunderstood, so it’s important to make sure they feel heard and acknowledged in any conflict.
Type 5: The Observer
Every time I’m asked to describe a Type 5, I always have to fight the temptation to start with “Picture a mad scientist, comfortably running experiments alone in his immaculately kept lab surrounded by stacks and stacks of books.” I know not everyone hears “mad scientist” and thinks it’s a compliment, but that’s how I mean it. 5s know how to build an inner sanctum unlike any other, and not just physically. You’ll know a 5 by their tendency to stockpile knowledge they find useful, important, or even just interesting.
Needs
5s are built a bit differently than other types; they’re the most introverted type on the Enneagram, requiring tons of alone time and space to themselves to thrive. This, combined with a tendency to distance themselves from strangers, can give Type 5s a reputation for being cold or antisocial. However, both of these characteristics come from a central need that 5s have to conserve and hold onto their resources. 5s base a lot of security in the resources they amass; whether it’s time, energy or knowledge, 5s guard what they have with a ferocity. Because of this, they’re more likely to hesitate when they’re asked to give their time or energy away, worrying about the potential drain to their reserves.
Insecurities
Whether a 5 realizes it or not, their tendency to hoard stems from an instinct for self preservation and a fear of being caught unprepared. This is also what can keep them from trust or vulnerability. 5s are as protective of their hearts as they are of their physical spaces and are careful about who they allow in. A 5’s trust is valuable; it usually takes a long time to earn, but being allowed into a Type 5’s inner circle is always a gift.
Potential Sources of Conflict
Because 5s are so internally oriented and preservation-minded, they can be hard to understand or communicate with at first. 5s are likely to believe they have everything they need on their own and have no problem shutting the world out if it starts presenting problems or inconveniences. A 5’s first line of defense in a conflict is often to simply close themselves off and freeze others out, circling the wagons until they can arrive at their own conclusions. A 5 might not be particularly in touch with their emotions, preferring knowledge and logic, so it’s always important to approach them calmly and reasonably. Appearing defensive or emotional might make them feel attacked because emotionally charged situations can be very taxing on their reserves.
Type 6: The Loyalist
As a 6, I often think about how well the type’s two names, The Loyalist and The Skeptic, explain the type’s priorities. We 6s value our relationships highly, putting a lot of effort into our connections to people they’ve chosen to trust. Trust is a big deal to 6s because our other main identifier is being reserved, cautious and sometimes downright suspicious about the world around them.
It’s definitely true that Type 6 is known for overthinking and over-anticipating danger, whether it’s double-checking the locks or planning an entire conversation in advance. We tend to be more reactionary, and have an instinct for self-preservation that can keep us distant from people we don’t know very well. But here’s the strength of The Loyalist: we don’t just crave security and stability, we create those things for the people around us as well. We tend to check in with the people in our lives; we desire community so we tend to create communities. The hyper-awareness that can make us reactionary also means we’re always noticing the little things around us and remembering details about others. If you have a friend who lives far away but always manages to check in when you’ve had a major achievement or experienced a hardship, you probably have a 6 in your life.
Needs
Above all else Type 6 wants to feel safe and secure. You can see this need show up in every sphere of our lives, from our small but deep circles of friends to our regular calls to loved ones to a strong precedent of asking a thousand questions before going somewhere new for the first time. I have not yet met a Type 6 that doesn’t hate surprises, or, at least, being told that there’s going to be a surprise and given no other information. 6s tend to react poorly to changes when they’re sprung on us unexpectedly and might need more time to adjust to new information than other types.
Insecurities
At the deepest level, a Type 6 believes that they can prevent anything bad from ever happening if only they try hard enough. When you see a Type 6 triple-checking that the oven is off or avoiding products with parabens or checking in on a friend who’s going through a hard time, it’s because they know that if they didn’t, something terrible would happen. On a minor level, a 6’s tendency to anticipate can be useful or even convenient: they’re usually the ones to think to call a restaurant to make sure it’s open on Mondays before you get in the car, or move a glass of water from a precarious position before it’s knocked over. However, if this thinking goes unchecked, it can make a 6 feel like the weight of the world is on their shoulders and they can start freezing (or consulting everyone they know) when asked to make even the smallest decision.
Potential Sources of Conflict
If you’re close to a Type 6, it won’t be long before you encounter some of their “foibles;” circling back to make sure the cat was in or a burner is off or the car wasn’t too far from the curb is bound to feel tedious sometimes. As a 6, I’ve learned that the most productive way to treat these impulses is by greeting them with gratitude, receiving the information, and letting it go. Yes, the car might be parked a bit far from the curb, thank you, but it probably won’t be the end of the world. It’s a careful line to walk, but being supportive and loving while also being gently inquisitive about the feelings behind the fears can be a helpful way to approach a 6 when they seem stressed out.
Type 7: The Enthusiast
Enneagram Type 7s are some of the most fun people to be around, because having fun is one of their top missions in life. Type 7s spend their time chasing joy, fun, happiness, adventure… pretty much any sensation on the positive side of the spectrum. While this means there’s never a dull moment while they’re around, this love for the fun parts of life can also translate to an aversion for anything negative or serious. 7s desire freedom above anything else, which can make them hesitant to take on any longterm commitments or obligations.
Needs
A Type 7 feels their happiest when they feel their most free, untethered by complications or situations that keep them bogged down. This means many 7s rankle at responsibility and might have a lifelong aversion to a 9-to-5 career path, but on a deeper level they just want to be able to choose the life they want, every day. This type tends to always have a new passion or project to chase, and feels the happiest when they’re in the “Honeymoon phase” with one of these projects, before their interest wanes and their attention is captured by something new.
Insecurities
Type 7s might seem like they’re chasing positives, but that’s only half the story. Instead they might often be fleeing negatives. 7s have a fear of experiencing pain or letdowns; they don’t let themselves process anything bad, instead opting to jump ahead to the next emotional high. Type 7s also tend to have a fear of missing out on anything which can keep them from being present. The way that potential adventures look in a 7’s mind almost always outshines their current reality, meaning they can find themselves in a cycle of disappointment followed by chasing the next new thing.
Potential Sources of Conflict
It can be extremely hard to get a 7 to sit through a conversation about a miscommunication, disagreement, or violated boundary because they simply would prefer not to deal. Because they’re so easily bored and always on the move, they might test their partners’ ability to improvise, demanding flexibility and spontaneity to a fault. They see reality as more changeable than other types, meaning that there’s very little they hold sacred or even take seriously.
Type 8: The Challenger
I have a vivid memory of sitting on a bench outside my college dorm while one of my friends took the Enneagram test. He laughed when he came across a certain question: “Life is a battle, and I intend to win it. That’s me!” he said. If I had known the Enneagram as well then as I do now, I could have just told him to stop taking the quiz because that sentence was the most Type 8 statement you could ever hope to hear. Type 8s see life through the lens of momentum, or conflict. “No pain, no gain” was definitely coined by an 8. There’s no need to put on kid gloves when you’re dealing with an 8, and you should prepare some thick skin of your own: 8s love to spar, see arguments as a form of play and tend not to take things personally. Their tendency to steer into conflict might attract them to playing the devil’s advocate, but it also makes them champions for others. Type 8s have a strong streak for justice, and they’re more than prepared to level their strength against any bully they encounter.
Enneagram Type 8 Needs
Above all, Type 8s need to appear strong to others. They feel their best when they’re able to present a unified front to the outside world without any flaws or falters. This means 8s can shy away from vulnerability, weakness, or admitting insecurity. They’re big on “faking it till you make it,” and can have a hard time admitting that they need help or don’t understand something.
Insecurities
As much as 8s will show up to champion for others, they also have a strong fear of being controlled or manipulated. This hatred of being controlled combined with their tendency to shoot from the hip can put an 8’s loved ones unwittingly in their crosshairs. An 8 will see no problem “firing back” if they perceive an attempt to control them even if this wasn’t the other person’s intention. When you’re bringing something to an 8’s attention, it’s important to emphasize that you’re not trying to change them, just show them how their actions make you feel.
Potential Sources of Conflict
Enneagram 8s don’t have the negative perception of conflict that most people do; because of this, it’s easy for them to hurt some feelings without even realizing it. 8s tend to be the loudest voices in the room; it doesn’t always occur to them that this means they’re speaking over someone else. 8s pride themselves on being direct and honest when they have a problem with someone, and they expect others to do the same. 8s won’t do a lot of work to figure out if someone’s being passive aggressive; they assume if you have an issue with them, you’ll approach them directly.
Type 9: The Mediator
Type 9s have the same chameleon-like tendencies that Type 3s have, with one major difference. While 3s observe others to find the best way to stand out, all 9s will always try to find common ground. Deeply empathic, easy-going and understanding, 9s will often find themselves being asked to lend neutral advice or mediate a conflict. Type 9s are peacekeepers above all else and will do whatever it takes to maintain harmony in their relationships and social circles, even if it costs them greatly.
Enneagram Type 9 Needs
There’s a quote I heard once about Type 9s: that they feel more like environments than people. While I see what it means, this quote always breaks my heart when I think about the 9s in my own life. At their core, a 9 just wants to keep the peace; they’re extremely talented at finding common ground with others and making people feel safe and heard. To accomplish this often involves grinding down, blurring out or obscuring any part of their identity that could invite conflict from others. While this helps them get along with people, it can mean that almost nobody really knows them, and sometimes this even includes themselves. Because 9s are so used to shifting their personalities to fit the people they’re interacting with, they can sometimes lose track of large parts of themselves or even believe those parts aren’t important. Type 9s crave peace above all, and if this means becoming as vague as possible then many 9s see it as a fair trade.
Insecurities
Because 9s are so good at finding common ground with everyone, sometimes it can feel like everyone has a claim on them. Because of this, 9s either end up forgetting parts of themselves or are fiercely defensive of their core identities. A 9 might rankle at someone who tries to get past the layer they share with the outside world because it can feel like they’ve already given so much and want to protect what they have left. On the other hand, a 9 might genuinely not know themselves very well because they’re so used to being whatever others need them to be and can be left believing their own identity isn’t that important.
Potential Sources of Conflict
A 9’s fear of conflict can prevent them from setting boundaries, which can be dangerous. For 9s, accommodation is second nature and it can be easy to hurt a 9 or drain their energy without ever realizing it. If a 9 has a problem with you, you might not ever know until it’s too late. They might equivocate about a hurt or need, leaving enough room to deny everything if it looks like it’ll lead to disruption. Being proactive with 9s is always key if you’re close to one. Repeatedly asking about their needs, boundaries and desires is a good way to help them start identifying these things, and creating a safe, stable space for them to share will help them learn to stop hiding their true feelings. It takes a lot of energy to be a Peacekeeper, so it’s always helpful to ask a 9 before you unload a problem or a frustration on them. They may seem fine to you, but underneath they could be getting drained.
Each number on the Enneagram has a wealth of depth: wants, needs, fears, and quirks that you could spend a lifetime learning about. The truest lesson of the Enneagram is that we all have different drives, perspectives and inner worlds, but that doesn’t mean we can’t understand where someone else is coming from. I hope this Enneagram relationship guide has helped you learn something new about someone close to you or even about yourself; empathy and self-awareness are two of the most important skills a person can have.
If you’re interested in learning more about the Enneagram, click here for our roundup of the best Enneagram books for newcomers and experts alike.
Made up of nine archetypes, the Enneagram is a personality test that can reveal so much about a person’s perspective, needs, desires, and preconceived notions about the world. If you don’t know your type, here’s an easy rundown of each of them and a test to determine your own. Nicknamed “the Helper,” Enneagram Type 2 is notorious for putting others before themselves and minimizing their own needs for the good of their loved ones. Type 2s make amazing friends; they’re often the first to remember a milestone, expend emotional energy to make someone happy, lend a hand when it’s needed or have an extra snack on hand.
While so many of the 2’s characteristics are good things, their drive to look after others can become harmful. If a 2 isn’t careful about self care they can start to believe that they’re only as valuable as their last good deed or take it immensely to heart when their more grandiose gestures aren’t reciprocated. Type 2s are more susceptible to negative self talk than some other types; when they forget to check in with their own self worth, they can start to believe that nobody really wants them around and can start trying to”earn” their place in relationships by overcompensating and spending more emotional energy than they can spare.
Enneagram Type 2s have a tendency to minimize their own struggles, so much so that their loved ones might not even realize anything is wrong at all. As a 2, some of the most important work you can do is affirming that you matter even when you’re not contributing anything. Getting comfortable taking up space in your relationships rather than avoiding ever “being a burden” might feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s crucial in your journey to actualization.
Here are a few ideas for a gift to get yourself as a reminder that you’re worth it!
You’ve got an abundance of nurturing energy; why not invest some of it in yourself and in a few live plants? Services like Succulent Studios will send you two curated 8-week-old succulents every month that you can plant around your home for a burst of fresh life. Gardening is some of the best alone time there is, so you’ll also be cultivating your connection with your inner self while investing love in your new plants.
As an Enneagram Type 2, you care about your friends like it’s your job. You like to keep up with your loved ones’ milestones. Whether they’re happy ones like birthdays and achievements or losses that require kindness and support, you want to be the first one to remember and offer a kind word. Keep track of the cards you plan on sending months in advance with this organizer.
It’s easy for Enneagram Type 2s to feel like they’re only valid when they’re in service to someone else; because they’re so focused on the needs of others, it can be hard for them to care about or recognize their own needs. Spend a little time each day forcing yourself to think about yourself and your own desires. Good self love is the only path to loving others well.
If this quarantine has had you scheduling weekly calls with your BFFS, and your friends, and your acquaintances, and your acquaintances’ acquaintances, you’ve probably experienced a fair amount of phone arm fatigue. Take things easy on yourself while you check in with your friends and use this hands-free stand instead!
Enneagram Type 2s tend to feel a lot of responsibility for the happiness and wellbeing of others, often carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. That can be especially challenging in a time like this, when so many people are going through difficulties and hardships. If you’ve started feeling overwhelmed by all the problems in the world you can’t solve, making an investment in an animal’s future might be the perfect solution. It gives you the opportunity to know that you’ve made a definitive difference in the world for one of its more vulnerable residents. Programs like the Wildlife Alliance Fund allow you to sponsor animals like slow lorises, pangolins and elephants that have been rescued from the illegal wildlife trade. You receive a certificate, photo and fact sheet about your animal, plus you get quarterly updates on how your animal is doing!
If you’d like to sponsor an animal a bit closer to home, pet rescues all over the country have options to support shelter pets while they wait for their forever home. Kitten Rescue LA even has a wing for special needs cats who live there full time. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, making a small, concrete contribution to improve an animal’s life might be the exact pick-me-up you need.
As a Type 2 on the Enneagram, you live your life a bit more vulnerable than some other types, and this year has probably been a unique challenge for your empathetic side. Taking a few moments to do something that makes you happy is a radical act, and one that will pay off in spades as it gives you more energy, empathy, and love to go around.
If you want to learn more about the Enneagram and how it can help lead you to better self-love and deeper self-knowledge, here are a few books that can help you learn more.
How do we measure worth? It’s always amazed me how much we try to learn about ourselves by looking to the outside. We take cues from others, from friends and family and even celebrities, about what our lives should look like, how we should be spending our time, where we should find our happiness. It’s not a bad thing to have people in our lives whom we aspire to be like, but sometimes this can turn us deaf to the voice within. We all have natural instincts, a gravitational pull towards the things that make us feel the most like ourselves. We all have value and worth that’s as much an inherent part of us as our own skin, even if sometimes we forget to acknowledge it.
This year has been extraordinarily difficult for so many reasons, but one thing it has offered us is a chance to look at ourselves through the lens of our own happiness, our own contentment, our own satisfaction with life instead of having an audience to perform for. In everyday life we are always receiving so many cues and messages about what will make us worthy in the eyes of others, what we can do to please other people with our appearance, our job, our net worth, our output. The quiet of the pandemic has given us the opportunity to cut out all of those messages and just reflect: what gives my life meaning and value in my eyes? When we remove the need to seek validation from other people, we can find the path to our own true happiness— our true value to this world is to fall in love with being ourselves. This is the way that we offer the most to the world, as people who are happy and fulfilled and focused on caring for other people instead of worrying about how they see us.
Living through the pandemic has presented so many challenges, but we can also see it as a unique time to reset the way we organize our lives. Spend some time in self reflection. Follow your own instincts without consulting anybody and see how it feels. Believing in ourselves, listening to ourselves, defining our own “net worth,” can be such a bold act of self-restoration. We have so many voices influencing us every day, be it in person or through our devices. If your inner voice has become muted, spend some time cultivating it and rediscovering the things that make it grow louder. When we are loving ourselves and allowing that love to pour out of us into the world, when we live each moment to the fullest, that is where we find our true worth.
If you’re struggling to rediscover your own self worth, here are a few small steps that might help:
Wear a piece of clothing that you love but have never let yourself go out in before. See how much you shine when you dress exactly how you want.
Be honest with a loved one when they say or do something hurtful instead of just ignoring it to avoid making waves. You deserve the right to stand up for yourself as much as anyone else.
Make a list of places in your town you’ve always wanted to go with someone. Choose a few to see all by yourself because you deserve it.
Pick up a journal and write down five strengths you believe you have; spend time writing about why each one is important to you.
Decide to start a hobby or project you’ve been dreaming about for years; whether it’s learning guitar or starting an herb garden, I guarantee the hardest part is just deciding to take the first step!
Spend ten minutes a day of quiet time with yourself. Whether you’d like to spend it meditating, going for a walk or drive, or just staring out the window, the only rule is that you can’t put on a playlist, a tv show or a podcast as a buffer. See if you start to feel more comfortable and safer in your own company.
Anytime you feel disappointed or angry at yourself for a mistake, ask yourself if you would treat a friend of yours the same way if they had made the mistake. We often reserve our harshest words and perspectives for ourselves because we feel like, somehow, we are an exception to the rule that everyone has worth. Start treating yourself with the same care and understanding that you’d show a friend: you can recognize faults and the need for growth without injecting that knowledge with disdain and self-loathing.
Anytime you are disappointed in something about yourself, take time to appreciate one positive thing. You are more than just your faults. Make it a point to recognize things you’re good at, or even be thankful for the little things like your body’s ability to feel the warm sun or taste a delicious dessert.
Come up with a simple mantra that you connect with and repeat it whenever you feel disconnected from your self worth. This can be something as short as “I am loved, I am important, I am valuable,” or something more complex that speaks to you.
Our worth is inherent, but recognizing it is a practice that takes attentiveness and commitment. It’s vital as a healthy diet or an exercise routine because our self worth is as much a part of us as our physical bodies. By choosing to engage with our worth every day, we can start to build our relationship with our own worthiness until we no longer feel the need to validate it with external sources. I sincerely hope that one of these tips helps you recognize your own worth even when it’s hard, because I promise you are precious, valuable, and loved.
What’s the difference between sensing vs intuition again? I probably get texted this question twice a month. I think that one of the big reasons the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (or MBTI) has had such staying power in the mainstream is because in general it’s a personality test that makes itself so easy to understand. We all know what introverts and extroverts are, can grasp the difference between people who act on their feelings and those who want to use reason to find their way. The last pair of characteristics, Judging and Perceiving, are a bit more opaque at first, but their working definitions that align roughly with “Type A” and “Type B” behavior is easy enough to explain.
The one pair of letters I find friends coming back to again and again, having a hard time remembering their meanings or repercussions, is the second set in the Myers-Briggs: Sensing vs Intuition. These words sound abstract and nebulous, but the concepts they stand for are important.
For my entire life, I’ve felt myself drawn to big-picture thinkers. I’ve always been one for details; I feel comfortable working inside of my skill set, I look to the past or to others’ experience to know what to do next, and I love nothing more than devoting my attention to making some small task perfect. I have a tendency to take life as it is, and find clever ways to operate within it. By contrast, several of my close friends devote time to thinking about how life could be better; they consider the systems that I accept as absolutes and like to tweak them. They’ll tell me not to sweat the details, to reflect more on things I wanted in the long term and think about how to get there.
My friends’ ability to take a step backward, step out of the constant now that I often find myself trapped in, to consider the big picture that sometimes seems invisible to me was a trait I thought of as a superpower. I have a much easier way of labeling these people now: almost all of them are Intuitive types, while I am a Sensing type.
Sensing vs Intuition At A Glance
When I first started reading about the differences between Sensing and Intuition, it seemed to me that one of them was obviously better than the other. Billed as the big picture, leader type, Intuitive personalities tend to focus more on the future than the past, prefer innovation over sticking to the book, and have a predilection for discussing abstract, philosophical concepts over everyday matters or personal details.
By contrast, Sensing types are more rooted in the present or the past, relying on strategies they know are tried and true to navigate life, and are irrefutably more interested in the small picture and details. I spent years envying my N counterparts, feeling like I was doomed to be forever trapped in a web of small details and comfort zones, sticking to my regular routines and traditions. Being a Sensing type felt like a limitation. Until I looked further.
Different Types, Different Strengths
While it is true that Sensing types have more of a tendency to get more bogged down in details and rules than is strictly helpful or necessary, I’ve begun to learn that being a Sensing type has its own superpowers. Intuitive types have a weakness for living in the clouds, generally more caught up in thinking about theories and philosophies to always notice what’s going on around them. Their love of abstract concepts, while a definite strength, sometimes leaves them less able to tune into interpersonal issues or small social cues happening in the moment.
On the other hand, as a Sensing type I usually feel extremely in tune with my present environment. I’m captivated by details, especially interpersonal ones, like a friend sharing a small story that will help me out when I’m Christmas shopping for them, or a passing remark on a food they love or hate, or a funny quirk I’ve never noticed before. Sensing types might not be as adept at abstracts and futures, things they can’t touch or see, but they live in a rich world full of details that help them navigate through life. The ability to pay attention to details that might elude an Intuitive type is a skillset in its own regard.
The world needs both kinds of people. Both Sensing and Intuitive types have strengths to bring into relationships, workplaces, and communities. Relationships thrive when there’s one person with their head in the clouds and another with their feet on the ground, one who wants to create a new meal out of an ingredient they just found out about and another who will always remember exactly how to make their mother’s famous chicken noodle soup. Businesses are strongest when there are people with a grand vision and ones who can make that vision a reality. I appreciate my friends’ fascination with big questions about morality and their thoughts on economic theory, and they like to read the stories I write based on a thousand tiny details that have lodged themselves inside my head. When we hold an understanding and a respect for people who see the world differently from us, we end up with a richer life altogether.
If you’ve ever seen a loving gesture to a friend go unappreciated, or spent hours daydreaming about an anniversary gift that you’d never receive, your instinct in that moment was probably disappointment, confusion, and sadness. It was probably hard for you to understand what went wrong: if this person loves me, why didn’t they do something so obvious to make me happy? There’s a good chance that the 5 love languages can help you understand this disconnect.
In 1992, marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman started to pick up on a trend he was seeing in the arguments he was mediating between couples. One person would say they were doing their best to make their partner feel loved, only to see their gestures, words or gifts to go unrecognized. Meanwhile the other partner couldn’t even see what they were supposed to be appreciating, instead wishing their partner would just do the one thing they had asked for. Dr Chapman realized the conflict came down to a difference in the definition of love: if one person feels loved when they’re complimented, and the other shows love by giving a gift, they can both start feeling invisible to each other. Dr Chapman saw it over and over again: a wife frustrated that her husband always told her she did a great job keeping the house clean but never helped, a husband hurt that his wife didn’t even notice when he cleaned the whole house. If these kinds of miscommunications sound familiar to you, you might be experiencing the exact sort of misunderstanding Dr. Chapman set out to solve.
What Dr. Chapman found was that there are five ways that people receive and express love, and that in general each person has one or two of these outlets that they prefer. This is how he came up with the five love languages: quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, gift giving, and physical touch.
If you’ve never taken the love languages test, I’d recommend it. Knowing your love language can help you understand and articulate your needs to loved ones and partners, and can even help you better learn how to express love to others.
Quality Time
People who prefer quality time as their love language feel most loved when someone simply makes time for them. For a quality time person gifts and kind words are all well and good but they don’t mean much if they never get to see you. If you’re experiencing tension with someone who has this love language, try to think of the last time you set aside time to focus on them and talk to them. If you’ve been busy lately, they’ve probably noticed and might be feeling neglected.
Luckily, this love language can be met in a variety of ways; people who prefer quality time are generally just as happy with a 30 minute walk around the block as they are on an elaborate dinner date. You might even find this type volunteering to drive you to the airport or help you with a demanding project just so they can spend some time with you.
Acts of Service
If your partner often takes on the housework, tackles a project you’ve been dreading, or always makes sure your car is filled up with gas, acts of service might be their love language. This language sees taking on burdens and obligations for someone else as the most loving thing a person could do. For people who prefer acts of service, there’s no sweeter act than having someone else take something that they were dreading off of their to-do list.
To these people a chore is never just a chore; if they’re always doing the housework or taking care of tasks for you it’s a sign that they care about you. This also means that they can be especially hurt when their partner doesn’t reciprocate, notice when they’re feeling overwhelmed and attempt to share the load. If you’re in a relationship with someone who speaks this language, you’ll get further doing a load of laundry or cleaning the bathroom than you will bringing home a gift or simply telling them “thank you.”
Words of Affirmation
People who prefer words of affirmation as their love language see words as the ultimate validation. If you don’t speak in words of affirmation but your partner does, you’ve probably been surprised more than once by them asking you if you care about them. To you, it might seem like you’ve been doing everything to affirm that you like them, and even the fact that you’re in a relationship could be enough of a sign that things are going well. But people who prefer words of affirmation need things spelled out for them to truly feel loved, and get a lot of joy and security from being able to store up these words in their hearts.
If you feel like your partner’s been acting insecure, you might just want to check the kind of affection you’ve been showing them. Sometimes all it takes is intentionally telling them the things you like about them, telling them how much you appreciate them, or even leaving them a note to make sure they feel loved.
Gift Giving
At first blush this love language might seem a tad materialistic, but the truth is it’s the furthest thing from it. When it comes to the gift giving language, the price tag is almost never what counts. To people who prefer this language, a gift is a symbol of the time someone has spent thinking about them and thinking about what would make them happy. Sometimes the best gifts for people who speak this language cost no money at all; a handmade gift you spent time on, a poem or song, or even a photo album of your favorite moments together will make this type feel incredibly loved.
The biggest thing to remember for this type is that gifts aren’t just for holidays— you wouldn’t only give your partner two hugs a year, so don’t deprive them of their preferred form of affection for that long either! Gift types love any excuse to give something to a loved one— one of this type’s most uttered phrases is “this just made me think of you so I had to get it.” The same is true in the inverse; gift people love nothing more than an unexpected present given to them “just because.”
Physical Touch
Of course every relationship involves a certain amount of physical touch, but for people who prefer it as their primary language it’s crucial to feel connected to their partner. This type is quick to feel neglected or distant from their partner if they don’t receive validating touch.
It doesn’t have to be over-the-top PDA, either; a simple arm around the waist or a brief handhold in public will make this type’s heart sing. Subtle, loving touches are the way to make this type feel like they matter to you; if they seem out of sorts or upset, a hug or an offer for a back rub will always speak volumes to them.
One of the hardest obstacles we have to overcome when we get close to people is that real love can’t come without understanding. When we truly care about someone, we jump at the chance to better know how to make them feel loved, and the five love languages can be instrumental in that process. Knowing how to show love in a way that translates to our partners and close friends is a skillset, a gift that will never stop giving.
For years now the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) has played a part in so many discussions around the ways we understand ourselves and others. With sixteen possible types made up of four letters each, the Myers Briggs can give us an entire language to unpack our different preferences and styles.
The first letter, either E or I, indicates whether someone is introverted or extroverted. This helps explain where they draw their energy, how much alone time they need, and even whether they’re more likely to process information by sharing with others or by looking within. The second letter, either N or S, stands for iNtuitive or Sensing. Intuitive types are more concerned with the big picture than details, enjoy thinking about the future, and conversing about big, abstract thoughts. Sensing personalities thrive on the details, the concrete facts they can see and perceive, and tend to depend on their memories of the past to guide them in the present. The third letter, F or T, signifies whether someone makes decisions relying on their Feeling, emotional intuition, or prefer to rely on their logic or Thinking. Last, J or P stands for Judging or Perceiving. Js tend towards making a plan before taking action, prefer structure to chaos, and feel more comfortable with black-and-white information. Perceiving types, on the other hand, are more comfortable with improvisation, preferring to see how things go rather than establishing a firm absolute game plan.
The ways that these four letters combine can help inform us on the unspoken ways we operate, how our expectations from life differ from others, and how our needs manifest themselves. I’ve found that the Myers Briggs is especially helpful for the language it gives us to define our differences; so many conflicts are easily resolved when we’re able to understand where our personalities differ. As a P, understanding that my J friends will be more comfortable if I give them a concrete time to meet up rather than playing it by ear has made it easier to be a good friend to them. In relationships, the Myers Briggs can help us understand expectations that we’ve always assumed were universal; being able to get to the bottom of these personality differences will only make it easier to communicate with a partner or loved one.
If you don’t already know your Myers Briggs type, you can take the test here and then read on for more information about your type!
ENFP- The Campaigner
Creative, impulsive and intuitive, ENFPs hate feeling bored or boring and love having someone to bounce their long list of ideas off of. Because ENFPs can often get caught up in their own reveries, they value having someone around who’s flexible enough to follow their whims while still being grounded enough to remember to pay the bills.
INFJ- The Advocate
Intentional and wise, INFJs remain deeply rooted in a wealth of intuition which serves them and allows them to advise others. INFJs spend a lot of energy trying to maintain order in their lives and better themselves, so they find a lot of value in people who carry a lightness with them. People who are more spontaneous allow INFJs to disengage from their ordinary routines and relieve them of the pressure to always do their best. This pairing also means that the INFJ’s hardcore planning skills will never go unappreciated by their easygoing partners.
ENFJ- The Protagonist
ENFJs are almost always the caretaker in any given group, watching out for everyone’s needs even if it gives them a slight reputation for being bossy. ENFJs will often take on the burdens of everyone around them without ever complaining or drawing attention; because of this, they need someone around they can trust to take the wheel for a few minutes while reminding them the entire world isn’t on their shoulders.
INFP- The Mediator
Dreamy, introspective and thoughtful, INFPs excel at finding common ground with everyone while deeply valuing their own inner worlds. INFPs don’t always feel like their ideas warrant sharing and keep the bulk of their creativity between themselves and their journals, so finding a partner who encourages them to share and validates their interests is especially important for this type.
ENTP- The Debater
Charismatic and argumentative, ENTPs will often shy away from intimacy to avoid clouding the dynamic, irreverent persona they’ve constructed around themselves. They value people with thick skins and broad interests that they’ll never tire of talking to— and if they can find someone grounded enough to convince them that vulnerability isn’t a death sentence, all the better.
INTP- The Logician
INTPs’ skill for improvisation means they’re often trapped inside their own heads, thinking about all the possible choices they have ahead or rethinking ones they’ve already made. They’re at their best with a partner who can help them live in the present and draw them out of their mind palace for at least a little while.
ENTJ- The Commander
Competent, visionary and brimming with leadership skills, ENTJs excel at having a plan and knowing exactly how to execute it. A partner who respects an ENTJ’s independence, while pursuing their own passions, is a must for this type. There’s nothing more attractive to an ENTJ than a partner with a drive and a vision of their own.
INTJ- The Architect
The most introverted type in the MBTI, INTJs are known for requiring a lot of alone time and space to pursue their interests. To someone who doesn’t know them well, INTJs can appear cold and uncompromising, but the truth is that INTJs can just take a while to warm to someone before trusting them. It’s an honor to be let into an INTJ’s carefully guarded inner world; an INTJ’s ideal partner is someone who loves them with patience, makes them feel safe, and knows not to take any requests for alone time personally.
ESFP- The Entertainer
ESFPs have an almost magical ability to create fun wherever they go, and enjoy nothing more than getting their loved ones involved. Because they’re always chasing positivity, it can be a challenge for ESFPs to process negativity and conflict, or even sit still for long. The ideal partner for an ESFP will appreciate their fun-loving side while still affirming that they don’t have to always be entertaining to be loved.
ISFP- The Adventurer
Fiercely individualistic, ISFPs love experimenting with their look, creative outlets, and anything else- usually from the comfort of their inner sanctum. ISFPs value relationships where their creativity is treasured and supported, but where they never ever feel pressured to show something off before it’s ready.
ESFJ- The Consul
Caring and detail oriented, ESFJs worry about others like it’s their full time job. Their tendency to prioritize closure might make other types feel put on the spot, and grey areas are not their strong suit. Because ESFJs are so good at following up with close friends, they tend to be the initiators in their relationships. This means that when someone makes the effort to approach them and care for them instead of the other way around, ESFJs take notice.
ISFJ- The Defender
ISFJs are usually more than content to stay on the sidelines, supporting their loved ones in their ventures and always ready to lend a hand. That makes a partner who recognizes their contributions and actively appreciates their presence is especially valuable to an ISFJ.
ESTP- The Entrepreneur
ESTPs are best embodied by the quote: “Life is a daring adventure or nothing at all.” Extroverted and energetic, ESTPs are always looking for the next exciting thing. They place major stock in a partner who’s able to keep up with their frequent epiphanies and schemes while having a cool enough head to talk them out of the craziest (or most illegal) ones.
ISTP- The Virtuoso
Being both naturally noncommittal as a P and detail-oriented as an S, ISTPs usually find themselves bouncing around from interest to interest, preferring to try their hands at many things rather than gain expertise in one. These same characteristics mean that ISTPs expect the outside world to change as much as they do. ISTPs often have a hard time placing trust in any situation, be it personal or professional, as permanent. The best partner an ISTP can have is one who’s consistent and trustworthy while not making them ever feel trapped, allowing the ISTP to finally add them to the short list of “constants” in their life.
ESTJ- The Executive
Strong leaders with great organizational skills, ESTJs love nothing more than assembling people to serve a larger purpose. Their organizational tendencies extend into their personal lives, where ESTJs feel most comfortable with clear intentions, overt labels, and an abundance of communication. An ESTJ’s ideal partner is someone who’s content to let them do the planning (whether it’s date night, a trip, or the chore chart) and promises never to leave them in the dark about how they’re feeling.
ISTJ- The Logistician
Pragmatic and grounded, ISTJs are usually very good at efficiently running their own lives. Because they’re so self-sufficient, what they need from their partners is less on the practical side. Instead, they benefit best from partners who know how to break them out of their routine (with due warning of course) and get them to have fun they didn’t write into their schedule.
I live in a house by myself along with my rescue animals, who are often the best company I could hope for. In normal circumstances, this arrangement is perfect for me; my house is a quiet sanctuary from the motion and noise of my everyday life. When I’m around the bustle of production for one of my shows or on an adventure with some of my friends, my home makes for a welcome place of solitude I can come to, a place to relax and recharge.
But what about when solitude becomes the only option?
Like everyone else, my life changed dramatically in March as the COVID-19 outbreak began to spread to the United States. As we began to experience lockdowns and social distancing, I knew my life was going to change. Because of my autoimmune conditions, being extra cautious meant being cut off from many of my usual patterns of socialization. My house wasn’t just my sanctuary anymore; it suddenly became my whole world.
A lot of us, I think, have a quiet fear of being alone. We’re afraid that things we experience aren’t valid unless someone else shares in them. We’re scared of what being alone will mean for us, will mean about us. Loneliness is real; humans need each other to live, need community and comfort and support and love, and the prospect of being cut off from so much of those life-giving forces can be frightening.
But there’s something waiting for us on the other side of loneliness. There’s a chance to know ourselves better, a chance that we too often pass up in favor of knowing others instead. A chance to feel comfort in the quiet, to relish in the stillness, to see time with ourselves as a precious gift instead of a curse. How do you act when there’s nobody around? What interests are you drawn to when you alone are in full control of your time? Maybe you’ll find something you never expected in the silence: a newfound passion, a deeper focus, a softer and sweeter compassion for the voice inside your own head.
There is another gift in developing a comfort with being alone. When we no longer need to use other people as background noise or distractions, we are able to appreciate them, fully, for what they are. The people in our lives are no longer constants that we take for granted or tools we use to stave off loneliness; they are a treasure, actively chosen every day because of the value we know they have.
Our appreciation for other people can deepen so much when we stop thinking of them as a means to an end, and our understanding of the good they bring becomes so much clearer. They become beloved, precious extensions onto the happy life we have at our core instead of depleted resources that buckle under our expectations that they will fix our own inner unhappiness.
When you’re comfortable being alone, the experiences you choose to share with others can become absolutely magical. When we face the limits of living through a pandemic, our own imaginations can surprise us, and only make our connections stronger. A big, grand adventure might not be possible right now, but with some care, intentionality, and imagination, we can still create memories worth treasuring.
Last weekend, a friend and I decided to camp out in his back yard. We cooked our dinner on a grill, brought everything we needed outside, and set up our tents to give us the best view of the stars.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CCRjn49BzaX/
We pretended his pool was a nearby lake and brought a fan outside (if you’re going to pretend to be camping, you might as well go all the way and pretend to be glamping!). The ability to sleep under the stars, to change my perspective and spend time with a friend made for the perfect supplement to my socially distant life, and becoming comfortable in my own company made it all the more valuable.
If you’ve been spending quarantine alone, you might be surprised by what you learn about yourself, and the blessings and strength you find in the silence. You might also find that the ability to find small adventures, moments for joy and creativity in uncertain times, is one of the greatest gifts you can have.
Last month, I was having a conversation with my mom about the Enneagram personality test. She said that one of her friends had sent her a handful of different links about the Enneagram, and that while each had helpful information, it was hard to keep sorted in her head.
I remember when I was first learning about the Enneagram it felt impossible to keep track of each number and all of the traits that went along with them; what really helped was when I first picked up The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron. Reading a book’s worth of information, all in one linear and holistic voice, can make all the difference when you’re trying to engage with a new subject like the Enneagram.
If you’re looking to learn more about the Enneagram and how it can help you understand yourself and others better, or if you’re already familiar but are looking for more information on a deeper level, consider picking up a few of these books this summer.
Ian Morgan Cron is a bestselling author as well as an Enneagram teacher; his personable and friendly tone combined with Enneagram expert Suzanne Stabile’s knowledge make for a read that’s both informative and easy to digest.
Cron and Stabile also appeared on an episode of The Liturgists podcast to explain each Enneagram type; it was one of my first primers on the Enneagram and I’d recommend it as a good pairing or prelude to the book. Stabile also has her own podcast about the Enneagram called The Enneagram Journey.
The Enneagram & You does a great job of going beyond the basics of the Enneagram into some of the more advanced aspects of the system as well as the way that our Enneagram types play into our relationship dynamics. If you’re curious about the ways the Enneagram impacts our daily interactions or want to know where the types align and diverge, this is the perfect book to learn without becoming overwhelmed.
If you’re more of a visual learner or want a more casual read, The Enneagram Made Easy is written in an easy, humorous tone that’ll appeal to you even if you’re just starting out with the Enneagram. If you’re more familiar with the Myers Briggs, this book also makes use of those systems to explain the Enneagram types.
The Modern Enneagram is an easy-going read that provides a great intro to the Enneagram. Authors Kacie Berghoef and Melanie Bell lay out the history, theory, and dynamics of the Enneagram in a pleasant, accessible tone.
If you’ve got a working knowledge of Enneagram types but are looking for more application, or if you’re drawn to The Road Back to You, The Path Between Us makes for a great companion read. Enneagram expert Suzanne Stabile walks readers through the Enneagram in the context of relationships, conflict, and communication, using the Enneagram as a tool to understand the people in our lives better.
The Enneagram is a personality test similar to the Myers Briggs, designed to help us understand ourselves and each other better. Where the Myers Briggs uses four letters that stand for different traits, each of the nine Enneagram types (enne is Greek for nine) is defined by a central need, like the need for security, the need to be free, or the need to be needed. These differences might seem unimportant at first, but they impact our lives in a thousand small ways. As a Type Six, I have a different approach to life than my brother who’s a Type Eight, different needs than my best friend who’s a Type Nine, and different goals than my Type Seven dad.
Knowing more about your Enneagram type can unlock so much knowledge about the way you see the world and the underlying needs you may not even be aware of. It can help you understand where others are coming from as well: because the language that each type speaks is so different, there are a thousand ways we can have failures of communication without even realizing it. The Enneagram is designed to help bridge those gaps in understanding.
One of the most important parts of life is self-awareness; by understanding the perspectives we carry with us, our greatest strengths and biggest blind spots, we’re able to move through life with greater clarity and confidence. The Enneagram can help us to develop a shorthand for needs and feelings we’ve had our whole lives.
If you don’t know your Enneagram type, take the test here to find out and read below to find more about the central traits of each one. You might start to realize that some types look familiar to you, remind you of people you know. The Enneagram is such a good tool because of how deeply human it is; we can all see ourselves and others reflected in these driving needs and fears.
Type One: The Reformer
If you’ve spent more than five aggregate hours of your life correcting the way someone loads the dishwasher, you might be a Type One. Ones believe more than any other type that there is a right way to do everything and that they have a clear vision of how that right way looks. It can be hard for Ones to hold back their opinions when they see someone doing things differently than they would, which can give them a reputation for being rigid and bossy. However, this tendency usually comes from a genuine desire to be helpful and do a good job.
Type Ones put a lot of pressure on others, but it’s nothing compared to the pressure they put on themselves. This type tends towards perfectionism and workaholic tendencies; their motto is “if you’re going to do something, do it right.” The plus side of this is that they work at everything, even relationships and personal goals, like it’s their job, making sure their loved ones feel properly cared for.
Ones want more than anything to feel like they’ve done a good job, and sometimes they need a gentle reminder that the world won’t end if they experience a failure or achieve less than a perfect score. At the end of the day they’re just trying to make the world a better (and more orderly!) place, even if their black-and-white thinking can leave the other types scratching their heads.
Type Two: The Nurturer
Also called The Helper, Type Twos are the most relationship-oriented of the Enneagram types. Twos go through life looking for ways to be helpful, equipped with an almost supernatural ability to sense others’ emotional needs. This type can be extremely selfless, undercutting their own needs to make sure everyone else is taken care of. A lot of Twos operate this way with the expectation that is roles were reversed they would receive the same treatment from their loved ones; Twos often get their feelings hurt if this proves untrue. One of the biggest struggles for Twos is making this desire for reciprocation clear to others, rather than keeping their hurt a secret.
Many Twos act out of a secret fear that they won’t belong unless they are actively fulfilling the needs of others and constantly workiing to create space for themselves in the lives of their loved ones. The most important lesson for a Two to learn is that they will be loved even if they do nothing to earn it. Overall, Twos are one of the most loving and devoted types and have a firm belief that relationships are the most important part of life.
Type Three: The Achiever
The social chameleons of the Enneagram, Type Threes have an instinctual ability to read a room and shape themselves accordingly. A Three’s biggest need is to appear successful, and they will work hard to become whatever “successful” looks like to those around them. Charming, goal-oriented leader types, a lot of Threes can be found high up in businesses and in positions of power. Most Threes are fully committed to a path of personal achievement and improvement, constantly working to better themselves and encouraging others to do the same.
Threes might struggle with understanding who they really are because they spend so much time shaping themselves for others. Because being perceived a certain way is so crucial to them, Threes can often forget just to be.
Type Four: The Individualist
Fours are driven by a desire to serve their own individuality and affirm their uniqueness. They have a need to express themselves at every turn, whether it’s in the way they dress, the company they keep, the hobbies they pursue or how they decorate their homes. Fours are devoted to doing things their own way and are repulsed by anything that threatens their uniqueness.
Fours move through life with an admirable amount of depth and passion; they have a reputation for being melancholy, but the truth is that Fours feel everything intensely. They tend to be incredibly creative and never shy away from connecting to others on a deeper level. Fours are great for bringing out vulnerability and reflectiveness in others, but they’re less adept at pragmatism. Something about sitting down to pay bills or work a desk job just doesn’t appeal to them as much as a spontaneous late-night conversation with a stranger or a new idea for a novel.
Type Five: The Observer
The most insular type on the Enneagram, Type Fives crave self-sufficiency. Whether it’s energy, resources, or knowledge, Fives spend their time carefully stockpiling to make sure they can weather any circumstances. Fives are usually extremely introverted, needing a lot of time alone to recharge and preferring their inner world to the outer one.
Fives are extremely concerned with protecting themselves, usually building walls to keep others from spotting their weaknesses or draining their energy. The process of getting to know a Five can be a long one but it’s more than worth it. Fives always have something interesting to talk about because they’re constantly accruing knowledge to help them make sense of the world. Fives are likely to have a wealth of information on any subject that interests them; to learn and observe is their preferred approach to life.
More than any other type, a Five’s alone time is a must. This can feel like a rejection to their friends and family but it’s almost never personal; they just watch their energy levels extremely carefully.
Type Six: The Loyalist
Type Sixes are defined by a driving need to seek safety and security. With an instinct for anticipating danger or setbacks from miles away, Sixes have a tendency to be plagued with worry and anxiety. They have a hard time believing things will be okay if they don’t stay constantly vigilant to outside threats. This can seem unnecessary and exhausting to other types, but it can have its positives. Sixes are said to make up 50% of the population, and the saying goes: “Sixes are the ones that keep all the other types alive.”
Sixes have an interesting relationship with authority, either tending to trust it completely or rebel against it. They find the concept of rules comforting, and if they find the rules in place unsatisfactory they will make up and follow their own.
As their nickname suggests, Sixes set a lot of stock in loyalty and commitment. It’ll take a long time to earn a Six’s trust, but once you do you gain a champion for life.
Type Seven: The Enthusiast
More than anything, Sevens just want to be free and have fun. Sevens are the epitome of “never a dull moment,” always searching for new entertainment and adventures. They’ve got an unbridled enthusiasm for life and a burning passion for the moment, and they’re never happier than when they feel free to follow their impulses as they arrive. It’s harder to get them to stick around during less fun moments, however. Sevens’ sunny perspective tends to selectively exclude negative emotions, bad interactions and conflict, so getting them to face anything unpleasant or boring can be an uphill battle.
Commitment can be hard for this free-wheeling type; Sevens have a natural desire to keep their options open in case something better comes along, which can be frustrating for anyone trying to lock down plans with them. Sevens usually leave a string of half-finished projects in their wake; they’re definitely more about the journey than the destination.
Type Eight: The Protector
Type Eights are also called The Challenger, and for good reason. Eights have absolutely no problem with conflict, and in fact may actively chase it to avoid getting bored. Eights love to throw themselves into arguments and debates with others; it’s a form of play for them, with no hard feelings involved. It can be difficult for more conflict-averse types to understand this rough-and-tumble approach, but it does mean Eights have some thick skin of their own. Type Eights are very instinctive, often taking immediate action based on their gut. They’re very likely to shoot first and work out the finer details after the dust settles, if ever.
Eights have a hard time being vulnerable or showing weakness, often feeling a need to project a front of strength to the outside world. It can be hard for them to apologize when they make mistakes because it goes against this image. Not ones for nuance, Eights can have a tendency to steamroll their quieter associates but the plus side is that they can take blunt, honest criticism better than most.
Eights generally use their powerful personalities for good; they’ve got a soft spot for defending the underdog. The type has a strong sense of justice and loves nothing more than throwing their full weight against bullies and oppressors on behalf of the downtrodden.
Type Nine: The Mediator
The peacekeepers of the Enneagram, Nines crave both inner and outer harmony above everything else. Nines are extremely capable of connecting to others, emphasizing or minimizing different parts of their personalities to reflect whomever they’re talking to. Because of this, Nines are generally very comfortable to be around and talk to. A popular quote about Nines is that they can feel more like environments than people because of the aura of deep comfort and support they exude.
This doesn’t come without a cost; sometimes Nines are so concerned with maintaining peace with others that they can forget their own needs, desires and personalities. Without focus, Nines can easily lose themselves and take whatever form is easiest for others. Nines can also end up drained by people who come to them for support because they’re naturally empathic and can have a hard time setting boundaries. Nines will generally do whatever it takes to avoid a confrontation, even if it means bending over backwards to appease someone. Nines are so good at masking their needs that others might not even realize they’re causing harm; the most helpful thing a Nine’s friends can do is actively ask questions about how they’re feeling and encourage them to speak up about their own needs.
Further Reading:
If you’re looking for more information on the Enneagram, here are a few great books that explore the types, their underlying dynamics, and more:
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